Second Chances
by PeanutButterPoo
Summary: Kaidan and Shepard are constantly at risk of losing each other. After all of their loss, can their love pull through? Shepard (F)/Kaidan fluff. Spans ME 1- ME 3. Sexy scenes coming, but hopefully still fitting T rating.
1. First Encounter

Bioware owns all; I own nothing. Blah blah blah.

This will (hopefully) span the Shenko romance through ME1-ME3 (including some DLC, such as Citadel), focusing mainly on scenes involving these two. I'm going to take some liberty with the conversations and probably some of the plot – I don't want to just transcribe exactly what was said in the game. Also, I'm inevitably going to skip some scenes normally included in Shenko fanfiction and just write about scenes that I want. So, pretty much it's going to be a series of one-shots. Hope you enjoy!

Commander Lily Shepard  
Vanguard  
Colonist  
Sole Survivor  
Paragon (mostly)

Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko stood patiently on the docks, waiting to board his newly assigned ship and to assume his position on the Normandy SR-1. He was quietly thrilled to have been assigned to a prototype warship the likes of which had never been seen before. Kaidan watched the bustling people around him, looking to give assistance to anyone who needed it as people loaded and prepped.

As he began to fall into a daze, he noticed a sudden shift in the quality of the movement around him. People were stiffening up and abandoning what they were doing and he quickly realized that they were moving to salute. He looked up in time to see Captain Anderson strolling toward the ship with a woman in tow.

At first the woman was mostly blocked from view by the Captain, but as she passed he realized that it was none other than Commander Shepard. He stood at attention but was silently taken aback. The legendary Commander Shepard…was shorter than he had expected. He had seen vids of her, of course, and had noticed in passing that she was attractive, but no more than how one notices that a celebrity is beautiful – not necessarily real or tangible in any way.

The Shepard that stood before him now looked much more feminine than he had imagined. Though she was clearly muscular, her body retained a softness that the vids did not do justice. She was small but voluptuous, and though Kaidan was about average height, he had to look down to see her face. She glanced briefly in his direction and nodded, then followed Anderson onto the ship. He watched her medium blond hair shine and bounce slightly as she walked.

Kaidan caught himself staring after her and quickly shook his head. As he pointedly shifted his gaze in another direction, he noticed that he had not been the only one who had noticed the Commander. Several men were still looking at her departing figure, and some had even blatantly stopped what they were doing to watch. He frowned slightly then followed his commanding officers onboard.

His initial few days on the Normandy consisted of the usual routine such as running diagnostics. He caught glimpses of the Commander but she was constantly busy. Anderson was often with Shepard and it was obvious that he held some sort of paternal feelings for her.

He heard occasional comments from other crew members that made him seethe. Kaidan tried to tell himself that it was just because it was inappropriate, but something inside whispered that he was just as guilty as them.

"Have you seen the Commander?" one man said.

"Ha, which part? I keep trying to look at her face but my eyes always get hung up on the way," said another.

The two laughed, "It's no wonder she's been promoted so far so young. If I had an ass like that I'd be an Admiral by now."

Kaidan strolled over, going into officer mode but seething underneath, "You should show some respect for your superior officer. Enjoy the extra hour on your shifts tonight."

The two looked dumbfounded and he heard one of them mutter, "freak."

As Joker announced that they were drawing near the Arcturus Prime relay, Shepard drew up behind Joker's shoulder. Kaidan peeked out of the corner of his eye, then went back to his screen. He couldn't get distracted at a time like this. Nihlus followed her and the two watched silently as they went through the jump.

Shepard raised her eyebrow as she listened to the pilot and the Lieutenant quip about the mission and the mysterious Spectre. Her reactions were fairly middle-of-the-road, humoring Joker, but when the pilot wasn't looking she looked to Kaidan and smirked, rolling her eyes.


	2. The First Mission

Again, Bioware owns everything. I wish I could stake a claim to it, but I can't.

Kaidan couldn't believe what a fool he'd been. He sat near the motionless figure of Shepard in the Normandy's med bay, head in his hands. He had been there for hours and had begun to doze but his head throbbed painfully.

He had felt incredibly drawn toward the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime, but after he took the first few steps in its direction he realized that it was more than just curiosity – he was physically being drawn toward it. Shepard had jumped to push him out of the way only to get pulled into it herself. He was horrified as she was lifted into the air and then slammed to the ground, and he quickly scooped her up and called the Normandy for evac.

It had been several hours but Shepard was still unresponsive. Dr. Chakwas had left him alone with her while she went about her business with the promise that he would alert her if anything changed. He looked at her still form with a mixture of feelings: guilt and worry, but also a certain amount of appreciation. Kaidan felt even more guilt as he realized he was admiring all of his Commander's curves while she lay unconscious. He felt that he was taking advantage of her in some way, that he wasn't worthy of getting such a view.

Nevertheless, Kaidan couldn't help but trace the shape of her body with his eyes. He took note of her long, dark eyelashes and her full lips. Her red hair lay in slight disarray, fanned out underneath her head on the cot. He saw various scars, faded though they were, on her arms, and a small one on her face, paying testament to the hard life that she had lived. In sleep, the tough-as-nails Commander he had witnessed in battle melted into a beautiful, seemingly vulnerable woman.

'_Sleeping beauty,'_ Kaidan thought to himself, and stifled a small chuckle. He was sure it wasn't a comparison that Shepard would approve of.

As he watched, she stirred slightly in her sleep. A small noise escaped her lips and her brow noticeably furrowed as if she were having a bad dream. Without thinking, he reached his hand out to smooth her brow, but quickly withdrew it, double-checking that he was alone in the room. With this, Kaidan crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, eventually falling into a light sleep.

He was awakened some hours later as Dr. Chakwas entered and quietly began her inspection of her patient, then, face betraying no emotion, sat at her computer and began typing.

"Has there been any change?" he asked quietly, as if he were afraid of waking Shepard.

"Not yet," Dr. Chakwas said, "But don't worry, Lieutenant. It's only a matter of time before she wakes up. You, however, need some real rest and food. I'm sure your body is quite used up after your extensive use of your biotics on Eden Prime."

Kaidan admitted that he felt drained and accepted Dr. Chakwas' offer to bring him food. He refused to leave his Commander's side. As she walked through the doorway, Chakwas smiled to herself knowingly. The attraction between the two was blatantly obvious to her, but she knew that both of them were too stubborn to admit or act on it. However, the doctor believed in discretion and would keep her observations to herself.

A few more hours passed and Kaidan felt the beginnings of the migraine that had been threatening him since their return. However, this was quickly pushed to the back of his mind as he saw a slight movement in front of him.

His voice betrayed his relief as he saw Shepard open her eyes and immediately begin to sit up.

"Dr. Chakwas! Dr. Chakwas! I think she's waking up," he said.

Dr. Chakwas immediately walked over and performed her duties, informing Shepard of her status and that she had been unconscious for fifteen hours. Kaidan winced.

"Something happened down there with the Beacon," Dr. Chakwas explained.

"It's my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way," Kaidan confessed.

"You had no way to know what would happen," Shepard assured him.

Kaidan immediately felt a small weight lift off of his chest. He smiled a small smile. The Commander was truly an incredible person – he had witnessed her fearsome biotics and ruthless battle capabilities, but she was still capable of forgiveness and empathy. He felt a small stirring in the pit of his stomach that he attempted to push down, and felt a small amount of relief as Anderson showed up and quickly dismissed him.

Kaidan was taken aback as Shepard later approached him for a one-on-one conversation as he stood configuring a panel. Even though she had seemed nonchalant earlier, he worried that she would be less forgiving without others present.

"Commander, I'm glad to see you're okay," he greeted her, "Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew and I'm glad we didn't lose you too."

She nodded, "Things were pretty rough down there."

"Yeah, you never get used to seeing dead civilians. It doesn't seem right somehow, but at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony."

"I couldn't have done it without you," Shepard said. He blinked and allowed himself a small smile. This conversation was going better than expected.

The two continued discussing the mission. Kaidan hated to admit that Joker's suspicions had been right – the mission was certainly more than had initially met the eye and seemed to only be growing more complex.

As Shepard walked away, he turned back to the panel he was working on, but allowed himself one last glimpse of her retreating figure. Before he could look away, Shepard glanced back. Their eyes met for a second and he saw her smile before he looked away, abashed. He didn't want the Commander to get the wrong impression, but he was growing steadily less sure what the "wrong" impression was.

A/N: Two fairly short chapters, I know. I've been working here and there on the rest of the story and it's almost finished. Since I'm not working on it in order, necessarily, I'll probably post chapters in bursts.


	3. Chora's Den and Confessions

Bioware Bioware Bioware. Oh and EA.

Their search for Harkin quickly led them to a seedy club called Chora's Den. They were assaulted as soon as they got near but the thugs were easily defeated. Kaidan was again impressed at Shepard's fearless skills in battle. Her use of biotics was about on par with his, but she didn't suffer from the migraines which constantly afflicted him.

Kaidan glimpsed up at the silhouette of a busty Asari posed seductively on the wall and sighed. He had never been one for strip clubs – too loud, too many flashing lights, and the women there were far from his taste. Shepard, quickly brushing off from their brief battle, strolled right in. It seemed that she had fewer reservations than he did about charging into such places. Kaidan didn't want Shepard to think that he got any real enjoyment out of the place. He seemed to be one of the few people of any race who wasn't particularly drawn to the Asari.

As they walked in, Williams snorted. "Hmm. A million light years from where humanity began and we walk into a bar filled with men drooling over half-naked women shaking their asses on a stage. I can't decide if it's funny or sad."

"What? You don't think they're here because of the food?" Kaidan snickered. Williams rolled her eyes.

Shepard moved confidently through the club, sparing the dancers only the briefest of glances. Even though she was in armor he could see a couple of men perk up as she passed. He purposefully bumped into one man whose eyes lingered on Shepard's tightly-clad body.

As Shepard's eyes fell on Harkin seated at a table, she moved purposefully toward him, dodging men who were hypnotized by the dancers.

"Hey there, sweetheart. You looking for some fun? 'Cause I gotta say that soldier getup looks real good on that bod of yours," Harkin immediately said, looking Shepard up and down, "Why don't you sit your sweet little ass down beside old Harkin? Have a drink and we'll see where this goes."

Kaidan bristled, stepping forward. He had never been one to tolerate disrespect for women, but it especially bothered him to hear it directed toward the Commander. Before he could say anything, Shepard crossed her arms.

"I'd rather drink a cup of acid after chewing on a razor blade," she said nonchalantly, shifting her weight to one hip.

Kaidan was relieved. He didn't want to undermine Shepard, so he let her defend herself, but made his presence behind Shepard clear to Harkin.

The way Shepard handled herself confidently during the uncomfortable conversation, in the ensuing battle with a gangster and his thugs, and then standing up for the Quarian woman, left Kaidan in awe. She could slip comfortably between so many different worlds, seemingly with ease.

As they returned to the Normandy, their new Quarian, Krogan, and Turian teammates in tow, he privately gaped at her ability to bring these people together. Who was this woman?

The Lieutenant came to love his Commander's visits after every mission. He worked with one eye watching the elevator that would bring her to him. Their conversations always walked the line between formality and intimacy.

They both had to circle around talking about the attraction between them, but the tension was always there. He always ended up blabbering about his past, and somehow had already confessed his past relationship (or lack thereof) with Rahna. It was embarrassing, he thought. Shepard always listened with an open ear, asking questions that showed that she was sincerely interested.

When he had told her about what he had done to Vyrnnus, something he felt he had to tell her in order for her to be able to trust him, she had comforted him. Shepard had shown no sign of judgment and Kaidan felt a small amount of tension unwind from his chest.

One night as Kaidan stood, still attempting to fix the damn panel he was always working on, someone jumped up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned around, trying not to admit that he had been hoping to see Shepard, but instead found Chief Williams standing and smirking at him.

"You know your shift's over, LT," she said, putting her hand on her hip, "You can stop pretending to work."

Kaidan wiped his forehead, "I just want to fix this…I've been at it every chance I've had and I just can't get it to work."

Ashley chuckled, "That really it? Or are you just hoping for a glimpse of the Commander? Because she's not in her cabin right now. I just saw her running laps downstairs and from the looks of the guys down there, they'll be cleaning the drool off the floors for weeks. You're missing quite a show."

Kaidan tried to keep the image out of his mind. Williams was technically stepping out of line by being so informal with a superior, but Kaidan let it slide because he was curious.

"Do you make a habit of accusing all of the men on this ship of lusting after their Commander?" Kaidan tried to keep his voice lighthearted.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But I think I'd be pretty right if I were. She has no idea, of course."

Kaidan waited for her to go on, not giving her any information.

"But I get the feeling that it's different for you, LT," Ashley continued, "You may be quiet but I see the way you look at her. And she's looking back."

"The Commander's a great soldier," Kaidan said lamely.

"Uh-huh," Ashley said, "I heard you slip up on the Citadel when you called her beautiful – your moves are a little rusty, LT."

Kaidan blushed a little at the memory, "You know, you can think someone's beautiful without wanting anything further."

The Gunnery Chief just looked at him sardonically.

Kaidan sighed and put up his hands. "Okay, you caught me. We've both had rough lives – her certainly more than me, but somehow we both ended up here. I think there's something to that. But I can't get her in trouble and undo everything that she worked so hard to get."

Ashley seemed appeased.

"Just thought I'd let you know, I'm rooting for you, Alenko," she said as she bounced away.


	4. Virmire

Bioware and EA own it all. I'm just playing with it.

Hunting for the former Spectre Saren now led them to Virmire. It was hands-down one of the most beautiful planets the crew had seen to date, even with the ominous storm clouds lurking in the near-distance. Kaidan was slightly reminded of the beaches of New Zealand, where had and his family had briefly vacationed when he was young.

After a short drive in the Mako, during which Kaidan was reminded that smooth driving was clearly not in the Commander's skill set, they finally met up with the Salarians.

The Salarian captain, Kirrahe, was someone Shepard could respect. Even though he was in a terrible situation, Kirrahe was determined and professional. It was clear that he believed in what he was doing. However, his desire to erase the cure for the Krogan genophage sent Wrex storming away.

Kaidan watched, his hand on his gun, as Shepard walked over to calm Wrex down. Kaidan held no grudges against aliens but never seemed able to get more than a grunt from the Krogan. Though he had been impressed with Shepard's ability to communicate with the giant, he was now worried for her safety.

He couldn't hear what was said, but suddenly Wrex drew a gun on Shepard. He lurched forward but Garrus put his hand on his arm. The Commander lowered her weapon, and astonishingly, within seconds the Krogan followed suit.

Garrus' mandibles twitched appreciatively.

"She's quite a woman," Garrus said, giving Kaidan a knowing sideways glance.

"Yeah," Kaidan murmured, "No kidding."

Ashley rolled her eyes and nudged the Lieutenant. "If she can overpower a Krogan what do you think she's gonna do to you, LT?"

Kaidan kept quiet. He had never considered himself to be particularly easy to read but apparently he had been slipping. It didn't help that Ashley had cornered him previously and she wasn't the most discreet member of the crew.

Shepard strolled back over. She hadn't even broken a sweat. She smirked when she saw the impressed looks on the faces of her crew, wondering why Kaidan looked so abashed, then resumed her business and went to talk to Kirrahe.

After some discussion, it was decided that Chief Williams would assist Kirrahe. She thought that both Ashley and Kaidan were equally qualified, but Williams was seeking a chance to redeem herself and her family name and Shepard decided to give her a chance to take a step in the right direction. Also, it made more sense to utilize Kaidan's tech capabilities in order to enable the bomb.

As the three humans stood around, feeling the tension of the impending mission, Ashley broke the silence.

"Well, this is it. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, LT. You too, Commander," she said.

"We'll be fine. You'll see," Kaidan tried to sound sure of himself.

"Yeah, I just…good luck," Ashley said lamely.

"Is there something you want to say, Chief?" Shepard asked.

"I don't know. It's just weird. Going under someone else's command. I've got used to working with you…all of you."

"Don't worry. We'll see you on the other side," Kaidan said, nodding to the Chief.

"I know, ah…it's been an honor serving with you, Commander."

"It doesn't matter if we're not in the same unit. We're still a team. Watch each other's backs, keep your eyes open, and fight like I know you can. We'll all come out of this in one piece," Shepard said, "And no matter what, it's been an honor to serve with both of you."

"You bet, Commander," Ashley said before their group split apart.

After fighting through waves of Geth and indoctrinated Salarians, Shepard, Kaidan, and Wrex stood aghast in front of another Prothean beacon. Wrex seemed only fairly interested but for Kaidan it quickly turned into a nightmare.

Like on Eden Prime, Kaidan watched powerlessly as Shepard was lifted up by the power of the beacon, her head jerking backward to face the ceiling. She was dropped to the ground again

As Kaidan bent over to arm the bomb, Shepard, Garrus, and Tali raced to the AA Tower to assist Williams. As soon as they left, a large Geth dropship landed, spilling the machines out in force.

Ashley attempted to warn him but it was too late.

"Can you hold them off?" Shepard asked.

"There's too many. I don't think we can survive until you get here. I'm activating the bomb."

"What the hell are you doing, Alenko?" Shepard shouted.

"Just making sure this bomb goes off no matter what. It's done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here," Kaidan held his ground.

"Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko," Ashley argued.

'_Damn it_,' Kaidan thought as his hands quickly worked over the bomb, '_we're wasting time. Just go.'_

Shepard paused and he heard the pain in her voice when she said, "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site."

"Yes, Commander, I…" Kaidan was taken aback.

"You know it's the right choice, LT," Ashley fought to hide the quiver in her voice.

"I'm sorry, Ash. I had to make a choice," Shepard said, voice tight.

"I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing."

With that, Shepard began the run back to Kaidan. '_Let him hold them off_,' she thought, mind racing.

Kaidan was still bent down in the water working on the bomb when Shepard arrived, her cheeks flushed. She nodded at him, face betraying the strain that she was trying to hide.

With that, he finished his work on the bomb while Shepard and her squad defended him from Geth. As he looked up at her to indicate that the work was complete, he saw Saren suddenly appear behind the Geth. He shot a blast out that blew Kaidan away from the bomb. He had a last impression of blurred movement before he was knocked unconscious.

As Kaidan blearily opened his eyes, he found himself sitting against the bomb. He must not have been out too long but he could see Saren disappearing into the distance. Shepard ran toward him and offered him her hand, which he quickly grabbed, but he still stumbled when he tried to stand. Without delay, Shepard scooped him up over her shoulder and ran toward the Normandy.

He was coherent enough to be slightly ashamed that he had to be rescued, but impressed that Shepard, whom he outweighed by at least fifty pounds, didn't even seem to be slowed down.

Later, after being quickly looked over and cleared by Dr. Chakwas, the crew met in the circular comm room. Kaidan arrived first, and he found Shepard sitting alone.

Kaidan sat down next to her, hands on his head. "I…I can't believe that Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?" His head was still spinning.

"Williams knew the risks going in. She knew the risks the same as the rest of us," Shepard said. The words sounded rigid, but he could hear the pain behind them.

"But why me? Why not her?" Kaidan pressed.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'd never leave you behind. I couldn't." Kaidan looked up to see that her eyes were shimmering, even though she refused to let any tears fall.

"I know, and I am grateful. But Ash died because of me. Because of us."

'_Us,_' he thought, '_Do I really get to say us?_' He was still afraid he had slipped up and offended the Commander in some way, but she continued on.

"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren," Shepard looked him in the eyes and put her hand firmly on his. She gave it a brief squeeze and opened her mouth to say more when the door hissed. Shepard and Kaidan straightened up as the rest of the crew filed in.

Kaidan was sitting in the mess alone when, just as he was hoping, Shepard arrived. She had dressed down into a hoodie and sweatpants, her hair tied up into a loose bun at the back of her neck. She slid into the seat across from him and leaned on the table.

"I wanted to see how you're dealing with Ash's death," she said, voice betraying more emotion than she had been allowed to show earlier.

Kaidan sighed. She was forcing herself to move forward and stay strong, but she was still troubled by the decision she had had to make. What was worse was that he had exacerbated her pain by making her question her motives.

"Dealing, ma'am," he said, "Sorry for anything I said back there. Adrenaline." He was about to reach forward and take her hand when another crewman walked by. Kaidan instead tried to turn the move into an inconspicuous stretch.

Shepard raised one eyebrow and looked him in the eyes as she said, "I understand. I don't like losing people either."

Kaidan pursed his lips, "If you don't mind me asking, how do you handle it? How did you deal with Akuze?"

Shepard folded her hands on the table in front of her, resting her head on her knuckles. A lock of hair fell into her eyes but she let it be.

"I promise myself to do better. For them and for myself. All I can do is know that I will be better next time. I've faced so much death in my life…I'm not desensitized to it. Every loss is different. But I've had to learn to get myself through it."

She paused and looked up, eyes searching Kaidan's face. She must have approved of what she saw there because she continued, "When my parents died I was alone. I didn't have any other family that I knew of and all of my neighbors had died with them. I'd never seen Earth and I had no idea how many humans there were out there. I was alone."

"I'm sorry, Shepard," Kaidan said softly, "I think everyone gets so used to thinking about the legend Commander Shepard that they forget that you're a real person. That your life was real and not just part of some movie."

Shepard shrugged, "I don't mind sometimes. People can be insensitive, but for the most part they mean well. I don't expect pity. Everyone's suffered at some point. But after my parents died I knew that I had to get myself out. I didn't have any other options. But you know I didn't join the Alliance right away – I couldn't. It took me a while to get myself together. I just…wandered for a couple years. Eventually I wound up on Earth for the first time, but I still didn't really have a purpose. I didn't appreciate that the Alliance had saved me at first. I was an angsty teenager, but after traveling around I finally realized that the Alliance had done something good. I wanted to join them. Maybe I could do for them what they did for me. But then I realized that I wanted to be even better. I wanted to be able to stop what had happened to me from happening again. And that's really where I found my drive."

"I don't think I've ever met a woman like you. You've certainly accomplished your goal and you haven't stopped yet," Kaidan said, truly admiring the woman in front of him. Her sea green eyes were stripped of the façade she usually wore in front of the crew. She was the strongest person he had ever met.

"You know, not everyone would have seen it that way," Kaidan continued, "Some people would have given up. You don't see yourself very clearly if you can't see how unique you are. You're…well…you're damn amazing."

Shepard smiled, "Enough about me. You haven't had the easiest life. But I like the man it's made of you. I guess we both have our scars. You just look a little better in yours."

"Please, Commander. You'll make me blush. No bull, Shepard. I wanna follow through with this. It's tough keeping it separated from duty, but when the mission's over, it'll be different. At least, I hope so. Ma'am."

"That sounds wonderful, Lieutenant. In the meantime, we save the galaxy."

"Yes, ma'am!" he said, "It sounds like a hell of a first date."

A/N: Am I the only one who thought that thought that Saren's hovercraft was a total ripoff of Bowser's flying pumpkin thing at the very end of Super Mario World?


	5. Frustration

Shepard punched the locker in front of her, feeling her knuckles bruise immediately. Normally she would embarrassed at such a futile display of anger, but she was alone.

And she was pissed.

The Council wouldn't listen to her warnings. Becoming a Spectre had its benefits, but it had drawn her further into the political games that she so despised.

The Councilors' inability to admit there was further danger was clearly motivated by fear, her sympathy was limited. Their position of power meant that they had the responsibility to face hard truths. In theory.

And Udina had sided with them. No real surprises there, but it was still an unwelcome blow.

Shepard bent down in front of her locker, breathing deeply, trying to think of how she could circumnavigate the Council's block, but everything she thought of led to failure.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she missed the footsteps drawing up behind her. She jumped as a pair of legs appeared near her face and looked up to see Kaidan's concerned face. Flustered, she sank down with her back against the wall, eyebrows furrowed as she looked at the man in front of her.

"Commander, are you alright? I'm sure there's a way to appeal," Kaidan attempted to comfort her.

"Official channels are closed. They made that plenty clear," she said resignedly.

"And we're supposed to accept that? Where do you suppose the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat," Kaidan said.

Shepard looked at Kaidan in a new light. Usually he was one to follow rules wholeheartedly, but his stubborn resilience sounded almost like insubordination. Maybe she'd been a bad influence on him.

"We're out of the game for now. I need you to be there while I figure things out," she said.

"You know you can count on me," he paused, "Or any of the crew, Commander."

He was still wary of pushing her limits. His training and career had left him little time for dating, and what little experience he had had with women was nothing like this. For one, he had never had feelings for his commanding officer…or any woman he had served with, but the biggest cause for hesitation was that he had never felt so strongly or experienced so much with someone before.

"Come on, Kaidan," she looked at him, her face strained, "I can get a salute from anyone on the ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder."

"I'm here for you, but we're in a rough spot, and the last thing I wanna do is muddy things. Not that it's all that clear to start with," he muttered as he hesitated again, "Are we the pride of the fleet or just peons?"

"You can't just pull out a good old-fashioned 'It'll be alright,' can you?" Shepard said, raising one eyebrow, a gesture that Kaidan had come to adore.

"It's that easy, huh? Okay then, everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out," he chuckled.

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?"

"I could get used to it. I guess we have some down time to figure out what we are."

Shepard's less veiled hints at her feelings for him had helped him gain confidence. He reached a hand out to her to help her up, not sure what he intended to do, but he hated the sight of her sitting on the floor and looking defeated.

Her hand was rough in his, but in a comforting way. Her hands had been used to do amazing things and he reveled in its warmth.

She stumbled as he helped her up and she crashed into him. He reached out to catch her, his hand unintentionally wrapping around her thin waist. Shepard had grabbed onto his shoulder, and the two were suddenly very aware of the other's presence.

They had never been this close before, especially without armor in between them. Kaidan slid his hand more comfortably around her waist and she gripped his shoulder.

Shepard looked at him and smiled softly, the lines of worry fading from her face. He realized for the first time that her clear green eyes had tiny flecks of brown in them and a calm sureness overcame him.

They leaned into each other slowly, lips parted. Her full lips drew near to his.

Kaidan closed his eyes and felt her breath on his lips, feeling the spark between them.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson," Joker's voice suddenly boomed over the speaker.

Kaidan sighed as Shepard jumped back.

"Are you spying on us, Joker?" Shepard demanded.

"No, ma'am. Just knew you were on the ship and figured I should pass the message on," Joker blatantly lied, unable to keep the humor out of his voice, "The Captain said to meet him at Flux, that club down in the Wards."

"Well I guess you'd better go then," Kaidan said, rubbing his neck. His heart was beating loudly in his chest.

Shepard scoffed, "You're coming with me. You're not getting off that easy."

As she walked away to change into her uniform, she turned around.

"The last thing I want to do is pressure you, Kaidan, but I've realized I know what I want."

With that, she turned on her heel and headed toward the elevator.

Kaidan cursed his own hesitation again, thinking of the million things he should have said to her, but he had stood in silence as she walked away.

Unwillingly he watched her hips sway slightly, observing every curve and stretch in the fabric she wore. He bit his lip, sighed again, and went to change into his armor.

Anderson's plan was crazy. Shepard hated the thought of him jeopardizing his career for her sake, but they were in this together. She, Kaidan, and Liara raced back to the Normandy. Liara pulled up her omni-tool and sent out a mass message to the crew to report to the ship.

Amazingly, most of them reported immediately and they were in flight before Shepard could even consider hesitating.

On a wave of adrenaline they headed toward Ilos and whatever lay beyond.


	6. Before Ilos

Kaidan paced back and forth outside Shepard's door, hesitating even though the door was unlocked. The high possibility for fatality of their mission to Ilos hand imbued him with a sense of purpose. All of the flirting and the near-kiss had been driving Kaidan crazy. Though he had managed to suppress his feelings enough to stop them from interfering with work, he had to make himself known in no uncertain terms before the next day.

He shook his head, attempting to clear his thoughts and find the last bit of bravery. Finally, taking a breath, he stepped through the door.

"Commander?" he managed.

"You probably shouldn't call me that. I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform," Shepard lamented. Kaidan secretly agreed, immediately picturing the Commander without her uniform on…or anything else, for that matter. He pushed the image back and focused on the conversation.

"Yeah, hell of a thing," Kaidan said, "We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship. If they wanted to get technical they could even throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

"I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing. I don't believe me yet," Shepard said, shrugging.

"Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here. It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I want you to know, well," Kaidan hesitated, and though he stepped toward her, he faltered, "I've enjoyed serving under you."

Shepard cocked her eyebrow, "Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago. I think it's time to act like it."

"Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard, but there are regs against fraternization. Though I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list of charges on our courts martial," he saw the confidence on her face and decided to go for it, "You know what? You're right. About everything. I think about losing you and I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again. But you and I, we are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard, you make me feel human."

"Bunk here tonight, Kaidan. With me," Shepard said, sure of herself.

"Is that an order, Commander?"

"Shut up and get over here," she chuckled.

"Careful, Shepard. I might think that you're abusing your authority – a serious breach of protocol," Kaidan wheedled on, his nerves making his mouth run on even as he moved a step closer to Shepard.

Shepard smirked and then quickly closed the distance between them, encircling his neck with her hands and pulling him swiftly forward. His body crashed into hers and his arms immediately wound around the small of her back. His heart was racing as their lips met, forceful and passionate yet tender. He was painfully aware of every point of contact between their bodies as he kissed her and ran his hands over her curves.

Kaidan began to kiss her neck. Shepard chuckled again and, not relinquishing her hold on Kaidan, began to step backwards toward her bed. She slid her hands up his shirt and quickly had it off, throwing it in a corner. He hesitated a half a second before gently inching her shirt up. He moved in closer again, kissing her as he slowly removed her shirt.

Shepard kissed him harder and reached her hands under his belt and began to undo it. Kaidan's pulse accelerated even further. His renowned self control was about at its end. He grabbed her belt and undid it, leaving both of them mostly naked. Shepard again took a step back, her eyes roaming his body appreciatively. Then, for the first time, he saw her blush. She looked down at the ground, glimpsing up at him through her eyelashes, and unhooked her bra, then slid her way out of her panties. Kaidan caught his breath and followed suit, sliding his boxers to the floor with a blush to equal hers.

Shepard met his eyes, hungrily, but for the first time, hesitantly.

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Kaidan said softly, again closing the distance between them. He laid a gentle kiss on her forehead, her nose, and then on her lips. She felt incredibly warm as he held her.

Shepard smirked, "You're not too bad yourself, either, Kaidan." He saw a playful light in her eyes as she pushed him back onto the bed. He lay down and watched as her naked figure crawled up his body. His ravenous desire for her was tempered by his desire to savor his time with her, and by the pure joy that he felt. As her lips again touched his, he smiled and rolled over, looking down into Shepard's sea green eyes.

Kaidan was gentle, filling all of his actions with meaning. He wanted his feelings, not just his physical desire, to be obvious to Shepard. She too had her turn in control, and though she was slightly less gentle, the passion between them was unequaled by anything in Kaidan's life.

After, the two lay entwined in Shepard's bed, basking in the catharsis which they had just undergone. They lay facing each other, knowing that they should sleep soon. Who knew what tomorrow had in store?

"You know," Shepard said, "I really think that this can work, Kaidan. I've always been too busy for much dating, or really any dating, but having you by my side through everything…We'll go through it together."

Kaidan smiled and nodded, kissing her on the forehead again. "I wouldn't have it any other way," he said, "I haven't had much experience dating either. Like I said, it's not something I take lightly and I haven't had much free time. I know we both understand our responsibilities. Even though we'll have to be careful, I can't imagine a more ideal woman."

Shepard smiled sleepily, "I hope we get more nights like this. This is just the beginning."

"So, do I get to call you Lily now?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard scoffed, "Please don't. I still hate that name. Who's going to take Lily seriously? It sounds weak."

"I don't know…Commander Lily? I like it. I think she sounds pretty tough."

Shepard pursed her lips and began to roll over, but Kaidan grabbed her and snuggled her closer.

"So…what happens after this?" Kaidan asked sleepily, "We kick some ass and save the galaxy. How do we follow that up?"

"Well, I wouldn't mind a few more nights like this. Hell, after this I may not let you out of bed."

"Ha, well I appreciate your confidence in me. But what are you gonna do when you retire?" he bent his neck to look into her eyes while she thought.

"I can't imagine retiring right now. I guess…I'd like to get a dog," she said finally, "something big."

Kaidan laughed. Shepard enjoyed being close enough to feel the rumble in his chest.

"You really are a girl after my heart," he said, then closed his eyes, "I'd like to take you on a real date. Be normal people for a little while. Even though I do enjoy our more adventurous dates."

The two fell asleep, completely content, knowing that whatever tomorrow brought, they would be together.


	7. Return to the Citadel

Their mission had taken them in a circle, and they found themselves crashing back into the Citadel, where they had begun.

Shepard, Kaidan, and Garrus fought through waves of Geth, seeking the heart of the Citadel where they could regain control of the station from Saren.

As they came upon the Citadel Tower, they saw Saren hunched over the control panel, moving jerkily.

Once the Turian noticed them, he fired a few shots at them. Shepard ducked behind cover, drawing Saren into strained conversation.

Kaidan watched with mixed revulsion and relief, poised for action, as Shepard convinced Saren that he had been indoctrinated and was entirely deluded. Saren battled with himself, raised his pistol to his head, and pulled the trigger.

Garrus sighed in relief. Shepard's eyebrows remained furrowed and she remained tense.

"Go make sure he's dead," she said, and Garrus and Kaidan obliged as she activated the control panel. They clambered down the rubble and Garrus promptly shot Saren in the head, just to be sure.

Shepard joined them as the battle with Sovereign continued above, only to meet with a horrific sight. Saren's seemingly dead body stood upright, its skin dissolving away to reveal a glowing implanted skeleton. It dropped on all fours and crawled at Shepard faster than she thought possible, reaching for her with claw-like hands.

They began a terrible dance as the creature leapt and crawled onto the walls then lunged at them, but the combination of biotics and gunfire eventually overwhelmed it.

Saren's body fizzled away to ash and all three of the crew took a breath in relief. There was nothing left. It had to be over this time. Kaidan and Garrus stood slightly apart from Shepard, who had stepped up to examine the ashes.

Suddenly there was a burst above them. They looked up just in time to see large pieces of Sovereign raining down on them.

"Go!" Shepard cried, turning to run. Even in her panicked state she managed to think, '_They got it.'_

And then the world went black.

Kaidan and Garrus, separated by Shepard by only a few yards, were both saved and trapped as the rubble crashed into itself, forming a small protected cavern. Some smaller, yet still dangerous, chunks smacked into them, breaking a few bones and causing more than a few bruises.

They sat hunched next to each other, catching their breath. Eventually they attempted to move the rubble but in their weakened state.

Despite his own injuries, Kaidan's thoughts were only for the woman he had followed into this battle. He listened intently for any sounds that could possibly indicate nearby life, but the world was silent other than the occasional resettling of the debris.

A few hours later, they heard approaching voices. A search team. A C-Sec officer quickly located them, followed immediately by Captain Anderson.

"It's over. You're safe now. Where's the Commander?" Anderson asked with a hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

Kaidan couldn't even meet the man's eyes. He had failed her, and he couldn't admit it to the man who had essentially become her father. All he could do was slowly shake his head, attempting to remain composed.

Anderson and the officer put their arms around Garrus and Kaidan's, bearing most of the weight as the two hobbled away. At that exact moment, they heard rapid dragging footfalls.

All four turned to the ridge behind them to see Commander Shepard lunge into view, holding her side. Underneath her clenched hand was a large stain of blood. She looked battered but glorious with the light behind her. She was fiercely beautiful, a defiant look on her face.

When Shepard caught sight of Kaidan, her face and composure softened and she fell down the slope into his arms. Kaidan caught her and she gasped a little at the contact with her wound. He gently wrapped his arms around her and she rested her head on his chest, closing her eyes. Anderson raised his eyebrows, but now was far from the time to make any assumptions.

Kaidan, Shepard, and Garrus were all inspected at the hospital. Kaidan and Garrus were both finished in a few hours. Medigel was applied, and though the two were still sore and would be nursing small wounds, the damage was minor.

The two wove through the hospital halls until they reached Shepard's room. There was already a small crowd out front – mostly a mixture of reporters and the Normandy's crew. Garrus shook his head. "They're predators," he said, indicating the press. It was at that moment that one reporter glanced in their direction.

"Excuse me! Is it true that you were involved with the fight?" she yelled, stirring the attention of the rest of the media. Garrus and Kaidan tried to slip into Shepard's room to escape but the door was locked. Instead, the two turned tail and slipped away as quickly as possible.

Later that night, Kaidan's omni-tool pinged. It was a message from Shepard.

_Kaidan,_

_Please break me out of here. The doctor says I can have visitors and I tried to convince her to scare the reporters away. See you soon,_

Shepard

Kaidan smiled. It was good to know that she was well enough to be so confident. She knew that he couldn't resist her invitation. Also, it was just like her to want to get up and keep going. '_It was a miracle that they got her to sit still long enough to bandage her wounds,_' he thought.

He stopped at an open store on the way to hospital. Luckily the damage to the Citadel had left some areas, including Huerta Memorial Hospital, almost completely intact. He purchased a bouquet of lilies, hoping the reference to her name would at least get a snarky remark.

When he got to Shepard's floor, he saw that some of the fervor had died down. He attempted to hide the bouquet as he passed a few reporters. As he stepped into her room, he was relieved to see that Shepard was sitting up and that she had been cleaned up since he last saw her. She had stitches across a gash above her eye that was bound to become another small scar, a split lip, a black eye, and a large bruise blooming on her cheekbone, but her face still softened as she caught sight of him.

"Ready to bust me out of here?" she immediately said.

Kaidan chuckled, "I think you should hang out here a little longer. What's the prognosis?" He deposited the flowers on her bed table and leaned over to kiss her on the forehead, careful to find a place that wasn't wounded.

"A few cracked ribs, a concussion, and a hell of a lot of bruises. Nothing too bad."

"We did it," Kaidan sat down next to her bed.

"You know, there's room for one more," Shepard said, scooting over.

Kaidan carefully laid down beside her, putting an arm around her shoulders. He kissed her on her forehead and took her hand. Though he normally felt he talked too much around Shepard, he now was at a loss for words. The few minutes when had thought her dead were agonizing. It had made him realize that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Shepard was confined to the hospital for about a week, and she had begrudgingly consented to a few interviews from her bed. When she was released, she was put on an obligatory media tour and awarded a few medals. She understood the necessity of it, but she had never been one for politics. She put infinitely more value on action than potential rewards. But through it all, in almost every picture and interview, Kaidan was in the background. He had a few interviews of his own and both he and Shepard were amused when they received a few letters of fan mail.

Shepard was itching to get back in action, but the Council was attempting to downplay certain aspects of Sovereign's attack and refused to let her back on the Normandy. While she awaited new orders and the Normandy underwent repairs, she tried to enjoy her time off. Though their time was undoubtedly far from what would be considered normal dating, she was able to wake up next to him most mornings, and without the worry of sneaking past a crew in close quarters.

They almost got Kaidan's wish to be normal people for a little while, but constantly being thrust into the spotlight where they had to act platonic threw a wrench in their plans.

One night, after the two had made love and lay entwined in Shepard's bed, Kaidan gathered his strength. He lay on his back with his right hand running down the back of the beautiful woman resting on his chest.

He drew in a breath and put his left hand under her chin, gently lifting her face toward his. Her curious green eyes met his brown and he couldn't help but smile, small wrinkles forming at the corner of his eyes.

Kaidan leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.

"I love you," he whispered into her hair, lips moving against her skin.

She pulled her head back to look at him in the eyes.

"I love you, Kaidan. I can't imagine going through all of this with anyone else," Shepard said surely.

The relief of finally putting his feelings into words, even though he could have said so much more, soothed Kaidan into a gentle sleep.


	8. Gain and Loss

About two weeks after her release, they received new orders, mostly because Shepard refused to stop pushing the Council. Though the Council refused to admit that the Sovereign had only been the beginning of the Reapers, they sent her to eliminate remaining patches of Geth resistance. She took what she could get.

After a few successful battles, the crew of the Normandy found some down time as their search continued.

In the relative calm, Shepard realized that something was off. Her mind had been so filled with trying to prepare for what was to come that she hadn't paid it much heed.

Her period was late. It wasn't something particularly new – her high stress levels occasionally had this effect – but she decided to pay a visit to Dr. Chakwas in case it was indicative of unseen damage from her injuries. She didn't even consider an alternative explanation.

During a free hour she headed to the med bay, where Dr. Chakwas seemed eager to help and immediately pleased to have work to do. She did the regular routine – taking Shepard's blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate.

After ascertaining that all of these were normal, she decided to perform a scan of Shepard's uterus and ovaries to check for scarring or obstructions.

Immediately, the doctor's eyes widened and her lips pursed.

"Well, Commander. I can indeed see the cause of your problem," Chakwas said carefully.

"Great. What is it?"

"You're pregnant, Commander."

Shepard froze.

She and Kaidan had been so wrapped in each other the night before Ilos. Surviving the next day had been so pressing that imagining the depths of the repercussions, beyond breaking regulations, had been unfathomable. They had been more careful since then, and Shepard couldn't believe their luck.

"Are you sure?" she asked. The doctor only nodded.

Shepard immediately pulled up her omni-tool.

Kaidan was assisting Adams in engineering when his omni-tool pinged.

_Kaidan,_

_Meet me in the med bay._

_Lily  
_

As she awaited his response, Shepard put her hand on her lower stomach. She felt nothing to betray what was hiding inside. She paced the med bay under Chakwas' watchful eyes.

Kaidan immediately excused himself. Why would he be needed in the med bay? He assumed Chakwas wanted to discuss his migraines or to look him over one more time. But why would Shepard be there? Also, the use of her first name struck him as incredibly odd.

His mind wandered as he rode the elevator up to the second level. As soon as he stepped into the office he could feel the tension.

"Commander?" Kaidan asked, quickly closing the distance between them, glancing at Dr. Chakwas.

Dr. Chakwas knew immediately why Kaidan had been summoned and was not surprised to know his role in this dilemma, but she kept silent for fear of being invasive.

Kaidan took Shepard's hand, lifting it up to his cheek. Her eyes remained slightly unfocused. "Lily?" his voice betrayed his concern. In the most strenuous situations imaginable Shepard kept her cool and remained rational. He had seen her charge into situations where death seemed inevitable, seen her stare down an angry krogan, seen her face down a damn Reaper, without any of the fear that she showed now.

"Kaidan…I don't know how to…" she began. Unconsciously she raised her hand up and rested it on her lower stomach. Kaidan's stomach clenched. He understood the implications of that one small gesture.

"You're pregnant?" he said unbelievingly. Shepard nodded, looking him straight in the eyes.

Despite knowing the consequences, Kaidan felt a swelling of happiness. He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tightly, his eyes wide.

"Well, I hope I don't need to say that I won't spread this around, Commander," the doctor assured the couple, "But I would like to run some tests and perform an ultrasound. It must be as much of a fighter as its parents if it's made it through so much. I'll leave you two to discuss this. Let me know when you're ready for those tests."

Chakwas walked out without looking back.

"What do we do now?" Shepard asked as Kaidan led them to the a cot, not unraveling his arms from around her. "I can't…this is…we have a war to fight. We could both be dishonorably discharged. If it was the night before Ilos, how long until I start showing? I can't hide this forever."

"Slow down," Kaidan said, his lips pressed in a tight line. He knew where Shepard was leading, and he understood her logic, but something inside him was still secretly rejoicing. He had never imagined that he could feel the way he felt about her and the idea that he had been lucky enough to create a new life with her was amazing.

"At the same time," Shepard continued, "I want this. Is that bad?"

"No," Kaidan said, "Not at all." He put his hand where hers had been. Like Shepard, he felt nothing there, but it still thrilled him. The idea that there was new life hiding there, that there _had_ been new life hiding there, that it had survived the beating she had taken, was almost too much.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan said slowly, "We should have been more careful. It's my fault. But this doesn't have to be a bad thing, whatever we decide. I think we can trust Dr. Chakwas' discretion, if no one else's. We should get you checked out and then decide from there."

Shepard nodded, lips still pressed into a tight line. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, breathing deeply. "You're right, Kaidan. We've been through a lot together already. We'll make this work."

The Lieutenant got up to find Dr. Chakwas, refusing to leave his lover's side for long. Chakwas was nearby and quickly returned.

Kaidan held Shepard's hand as Dr. Chakwas quickly waved a wand over Shepard's torso. A clear image appeared on the screen in front of them.

It didn't show much – really not much more than a small circle with some shapes inside, but this cemented it for Kaidan. It was real.

They decided to keep the pregnancy secret for now, and for Shepard to remain out of combat situations for the time being – something that even in her state pained her to do. They would return to the Citadel within a week and the couple had decided to take the time to decide their plan of action.

Spottings of Geth seemed to be increasingly rare. They only came across one more group before another dry spell. Some eyebrows were raised that the usually-involved Commander sat the mission out.

A few days later, it was business as usual on the Normandy. It had been quiet and the crew had kept busy simply performing diagnostics and basic maintenance and awaiting whatever happened next.

Kaidan was speaking to one of the crew when he felt the ship shake and roll violently. Sparks flew from some of the wiring and several small fires blazed up. He looked at the crewman he had been talking to, yelled at him to get to the escape shuttles, and ran off. He grabbed his armor, stepping into it as he ran. He had to find Shepard. As the ship took another hit, pieces of the interior ship began falling apart and more fires sparked, stumbling repeatedly but refusing to stop. He looked left and right as he ran, heading toward the distress beacon, knowing this would be her first priority.

Finally, he spotted her. He was relieved to see Shepard's figure furiously typing at the beacon control center. She finished and turned around to face him as she sealed her helmet.

"Shepard!" he called.

"The distress beacon is ready for launch," she said.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" As he asked this, the ship shook violently, crashing his body into hers. Even now her touch sent chills down his body.

"The Alliance won't abandon us," Shepard said confidently. "We just need to hold on. Get everyone on to the escape shuttles."

"Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship. I'm not leaving either. Not without you," Kaidan said.

"I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker," Shepard said, snatching a fire extinguisher away from him.

"Commander! Shepard, please," he said, "Don't forget – "

"Kaidan, GO! Now. I'll make it." She had turned into Commander Shepard, leaving no room for disobedience as she turned to look at him.

"Aye aye. Be safe," he pleaded, and then ran to help the crew, hoping he had made the right decision. He collected others as he ran toward the escape pods, directing the disoriented crewmen in the right direction.

Shepard took off in the opposite direction. The ship was utterly destroyed, but she quickly spotted Joker sitting stubbornly in his pilot's seat, furiously waving his hands over the screen in front of him.

Kaidan watched expectantly out the small viewing window in the escape pod. He saw one last shuttle, located nearest to the bridge, launch. He exhaled. She had made it.

He leaned back in his seat, awaiting the comfort of seeing her again in one piece.

After the Alliance had collected all the pods, Kaidan ran through the bay, searching for her. He spotted Joker, hunched over, obviously slightly injured. Shepard had to be near Joker. He sprinted over to the pilot, his eyes scanning the area.

Joker looked up at Kaidan and winced. His eyes, usually so light and jovial, were red-rimmed. Kaidan's heart stopped.

"Where is she?" Kaidan asked, unwilling to put the pieces together.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. They fired again…she got cut off from me. The blast…it blew her out. The last thing she did was send the shuttle, and then...she was gone," Joker choked out.

Kaidan felt his control begin to slip. His skin crackled with the blue of his biotics and Joker backed up. Kaidan didn't want to keep control. He wanted to grab the pilot and shake him until every bone in his body shattered. He closed his eyes, willing the energy to recede, but as soon as it did he stepped forward and grabbed Joker's upper arms, pulling them face to face. Joker cried out.

"She was pregnant," Kaidan hissed. Though there was a small crowd of onlookers watching, only Joker heard.

Kaidan released the pilot, sure that he had broken at least a few bones, but was currently beyond caring. Joker's eyes were even wider than before. Before Joker could say anything, Kaidan turned on his heel and sped off, seeking isolation. When he was finally alone, he sunk to his knees.

He felt the muscles in his neck tense up as a migraine immediately began to take hold. For the first time in his life he welcomed it. He wanted nothing more than to be completely blocked out from the world.

A/N: I know the whole Shepard being pregnant thing is probably a little overdone, but I thought Kaidan's anger in ME 2 fit pretty well something more than just her working for Cerberus. Chugging right along…


	9. Nightmare

Oh yes, just as a reminder – none of this is mine. Bioware and EA own absolutely everything.

A/N: Prepare for a small amount of gore in this chapter. Nothing too extreme at all, just a heads up.

The next few months were hell. Hearing that Shepard was declared dead publicly, for all to hear, solidified something he didn't want to be true.

He, Anderson, Liara, Garrus, and Tali sat in the front row at her funeral. It pained him to see that she had no family to mourn for her. They were the closest thing she had.

Anderson, Hackett, and Garrus spoke reverently in front of the crowd. Hackett was formal as always, but Anderson was visibly worn. His speech made it clear that he felt he had lost both an amazing soldier and a daughter. Garrus was more solemn than Kaidan had ever seen, but he threw in comments about some of their good times during the few breaks they got, playing up Shepard's loose obedience to rules.

Everything seemed blurred and hazy. He bore witness to it all but everything was surreal and intangible. It seemed so empty. They had no body to bury. There were several pictures of her, but all of them failed to display the woman that he had come to love. They displayed her professional side, but there was no sense of her sarcastic humor or her gentle side that so few had witnessed.

That night, Garrus offered his company but Kaidan politely shook it off, heading to his borrowed apartment, where he drank himself to sleep in his dim half-lit room.

Kaidan looked around him to see a blinding world of white. As his eyes tried to focus he began to see other objects – dark, bare trees. He was in a forest. The gentle padding of falling snow met his ears and the ground crackled beneath him as he shifted his weight.

He looked down to find himself barefoot, standing on frozen, ice-slick ground. His body felt heavy and slow as he tried to move.

Movement stirred behind him, accompanied by a high-pitched shriek that cut into his ears and made him nauseous. As he turned to look, he saw her running toward him.

Shepard. Lily. Her hair and the dress she wore whipped behind her, her face contorted with terror. He was sickened to see that she was in a wedding dress, an image that he had tried to suppress from his mind even when she had been alive.

As she drew near, he saw individual drops of sweat running down her forehead. He reached for her, but was too slow. She ran past him, unseeing.

He attempted to chase but his feet burned as the ice, glass-like, shredded them and he began to bleed profusely. Kaidan fell to his knees and he tried to crawl, but the ice tore at his skin anywhere it touched.

When he looked up, Shepard had stopped a few yards in front of him, standing with her back half to him. She stood stock-still, poised and looking around animal-like. The strange light of the forest cast long, dark shadows trailing behind Shepard and the surrounding trees.

Suddenly, a black arm-like tendril shot out from inside her shadow and grabbed her. It pulled her down to the ground, where more tendrils shadow quickly enveloped her, barbed and thorny. As he watched her skin began to rend wherever the shadow touched her, tearing her to pieces.

The slick sounds of the tendrils sliding through her blood combined with the nauseating rip of skin echoed in the empty forest. He heard a few sick crunches that he could only assume meant her bones were snapping.

And all he could do was watch.

Kaidan screamed and again attempted to run, but what lay before him looked like little more than a slab of meat. The air split with tearing and crunching as the trees around him split open.

Out of the trees spewed a thick, pink, viscous liquid. With a sickening sucking sound, the gap widened. As he watched, an identical body slit out of each tree. Hundreds of Shepards, naked and glassy-eyed, stared straight through Kaidan.

His horror grew as he noticed that some of the Shepards were beginning to swell around the middle, obscene parodies of the pregnancy he never got to see. As her skin stretched, some of the skin began to rend and tear…

Kaidan awoke with a start, breathing heavy and drenched in sweat.

The Lieutenant was forced to visit an Alliance counselor but he couldn't voice his feelings. He was too self-contained and didn't want to put into words what he was feeling.

Someone who hadn't known Shepard couldn't understand. They would just think that he was mourning the loss of his Commander, feeling a soldier's survivor guilt.

Even if he decided to confess his relationship with Shepard, the counselor wouldn't understand the depths of his loss. They would assume that he was just another man mourning the loss of a woman. He couldn't properly express the pain he felt at how limited their time had been.

Kaidan was granted a few months of limited duties to recover. He returned to Earth, where he expected not to be constantly reminded of his loss. But he still saw her everywhere.

The only women he noticed were ones that in some way resembled her. His traitorous mind would seek out things that he imagined Shepard would have liked in store fronts. Nothing was safe from his own self-destructive brain.

The rest of the crew had dispersed and he was relieved. Though he had considered them his friends and they understood his situation better than anyone, he couldn't face them. Garrus and Liara both attempted to send him a few messages at first, to which he half-heartedly replied, but before long they fell silent.

The world moved on without her, its perpetual forward motion not pausing for a second. But Kaidan remained rooted in one place.

One day, he received a surprise that finally got him on his feet. He heard his omni-tool beep that he had received a message and begrudgingly moved to read it.

_Lieutenant Alenko,_

_I'm on Earth and nearby. We have some matters we need to discuss, some of which are best left out of Alliance ears. Meet me tonight for dinner and we'll talk. Your pick._

_Councilor Anderson_

Kaidan was taken aback at the somewhat informal message from the man who had recently become the first human member of the Council. He had been around Anderson when they served together, but the man had never paid Kaidan any particular attention.

He responded quickly, choosing a nearby restaurant and proposing a time.

Kaidan was sitting and awaiting a table when Anderson walked in, exuding his commanding presence.

Anderson said little as they were seated, slightly apart from the rest of the crowd.

As they ate Anderson kept up his near-silence, but as they finished their meal he spoke up, looking at Kaidan carefully.

"Well, Lieutenant, the first matter of business is that you've been recommended for a promotion. They want you as a Staff Commander. Your actions during the battle with Saren and the Citadel, as well as your previous commendations, have made you more than qualified. I know this isn't usually the way one is told about such things, but we have other business to discuss that I think is a little more pressing."

"I'd be honored," he told Anderson, "but I have to admit I'm not sure I'm ready for more responsibility right now. I'm not sure I deserve it."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," Anderson said, "Kaidan, I know why you're taking this so rough. I saw enough hints to let me know that there was something between you and Shepard."

'_You don't know the half of it,'_ Kaidan thought, the reminder sending a twisting feeling through his gut. He felt too ill to even worry about the repercussions for breaking fraternization regulations.

"Yes…yes there was," was all he could manage, using all of his effort to keep his face void of emotion, staring pointedly at the beads of water rolling down the glass in front of him.

"In honor of her memory I can't sit and watch you sink. I know you would recover in time, but you need to get back into action sooner rather than later. You're a damn good soldier. Don't do any permanent damage to your career while you pull yourself together. We have to continue Shepard's fight. You know she would have hated to see you hurting and would have hated for you to lose track of what's at stake."

Anderson's words cut through some of the haze he had been feeling.

"She was a strong woman. Hell, possibly the strongest. I don't think she would have been drawn to you if she didn't think you were a strong man. Prove her right."

"Thank you, sir," Kaidan said.

Anderson simply nodded and left.


	10. The In-Between

Bioware owns Kaidan and everything in the entire universe.

Kaidan had thrown himself completely into his career over the past year. His short talk with Anderson had cleared his head enough for him to consider the options that lay before him.

Kill himself? No. Not Kaidan's style – he had fought through too much to just give up. Plus, Anderson was right - there was work to be done.

Quit the Alliance? Shepard would never have forgiven him for being so selfish.

Continue on as he was? Not an option. If he carried on as is he would surely be kicked out of the Alliance, and there wasn't anything else he could picture doing.

His best option, he quickly realized, was to work his ass off. Only by keeping himself completely absorbed in his work would he find purpose again in his life.

It wasn't easy at first. Finding the energy to get himself back into motion seemed impossible. He felt like an addict going through rehab, his body physically aching at being forced to get up and act like a normal human being.

Shepard never completely left his mind, but he began to slowly shore up a wall against the pain. Every day the wall grew a little thicker and he was able to compartmentalize just a little better.

He wouldn't let her go, but he wouldn't let her be distorted into some sort of monster who destroyed his life or was associated only with pain. He'd rather preserve her memory and leave it pure rather than smother it every day, smudging it with his desperate fingerprints until it was nigh unrecognizable. No…he would tuck it away and pull it out on special occasions when he knew he was in control of himself.

Kaidan accepted his post as Staff Commander soon after reassuming his full duties. There was something comforting in returning to work. Even during his time with Shepard he had never neglected the task at hand.

His fervent dedication to his missions left little room for personal time, exactly as he intended. However, though he generally kept to himself, he had managed to pick up a few good friends along the way who had been admirably patient with him over the past year.

As time drew on they teased him about his apparent celibacy and attempted to coerce him into going out with them. He would occasionally oblige them, seeing nothing wrong with social drinking.

Occasionally his friends would bring along a woman, whom they would unabashedly push in Kaidan's direction. Kaidan would politely but firmly keep things platonic, inoffensively displaying his lack of interest.

As an immediate result, Kaidan would reject his friends' next several invitations, never directly saying that it was because they had tried to push a woman on him, but everyone knew.

He would finally relent and join them again only to have the cycle repeat itself within a few trips.

"What was wrong with that one?" one of his friends demanded one night, as they walked home, "I always knew you had high standards but this is getting ridiculous, Kaidan."

His friend's demeanor changed. Since the two were alone, it was far easier for the man to show his genuine concern.

"Really, man, what happened to you? Was it just what happened on the Normandy? It sounds like you saw some tough stuff and you came pretty close to not making it. If you need help dealing with that…it's okay, man. I know a group you can go to," his friend said slightly awkwardly.

Kaidan eyed his friend carefully. Not sure how much of it was the alcohol he had just consumed and how much of it was just the need to get things out in the open, but his mouth finally opened, spilling out everything he had been feeling and the circumstances of his loss.

Still, he kept their most intimate moments to himself. Their future child and just how much he admired the woman. Those were his burden to bear.

There was a pause when he finished.

"Commander Shepard," his friend whistled, "I can see how it would be hard for another woman to match up to her."

"You have no idea," Kaidan said.

"Still, Kaidan…it's been almost two years. It's not healthy. Just go out on one date. Just one. Then I promise I'll shut up. I know a nice girl. Smart. Beautiful. Just give it a chance, even if nothing comes of it. You need to try."

Kaidan sighed.

A few days later, Kaidan found himself sitting on a bar stool awaiting a girl he had never met before. He was neither particularly excited nor particularly nervous.

Within a few minutes a woman walked in, curly red hair bouncing with each step. Her eyes lit up when she saw him and she steered in his direction.

"You're Kaidan, right? I'm Marissa."

"Yeah, that's me. Nice to meet you," he said, "Can I get you something?"

Over the next two hours Kaidan spent the time in polite yet essentially meaningless conversation. The woman, a doctor on the Citadel, turned out to be very bubbly, positive, and seemed to be a genuinely good person. And he supposed she was beautiful.

But Kaidan was completely unmoved. He noticed all of these things in little more than a clinical manner. Despite his effort, he found the woman…boring.

They said goodnight outside the bar. Kaidan stood with some space in between them, making no moves to close the distance. He was ready to turn around and head home when the doctor reached up and gave him a brief but tight hug.

Kaidan's stomach twisted a little, but he returned the hug. He hated to admit that it felt nice to have someone so close.

"Goodnight," he said gruffly, and returned to his house for another night of disturbed sleep.

About three weeks later, he received a call. He opened it to find Marissa smiling at him.

"Hey, Kaidan. I'm back in town for a couple days. Do you want to go out to dinner?"

"Sure," Kaidan said after a second of hesitation, "sounds good."

The two worked out a time and place, meeting up the next night. The date went essentially as the last and the doctor seemed fairly unaware of Kaidan's distance. He was trying.

Marissa called him again a few weeks later and the two went out for a longer date than before, eating dinner and then going for a long walk.

At the end of the night, Kaidan walked Marissa to her friend's apartment. Standing outside, Marissa smirked. She leaned up and quickly pecked him on the cheek. When she withdrew, she remained close to his face, bringing her body closer. She began to lean in, her lips closing in on his.

An instant before they touched, Kaidan turned his head slightly and took a step back.

"I'm sorry, Marissa. You're a fantastic woman, but I just can't do this right now. It wouldn't be fair to you."

The doctor backed up, frowning slightly. For the first time, her bubbly demeanor faltered.

"Okay, Kaidan. I'm not sure what you mean, but goodbye. Let me know if you change your mind. I won't wait for you, but I'd like to see you again."

They hadn't known each other long enough for there to be any real attachment, but he could see that his blatant rejection was something to which the woman was not accustomed and which offended her.

Kaidan felt a moment of guilt – there was nothing wrong with the woman, but he still caught himself comparing her too much to Shepard.

She leaned up as if to give him another kiss on the cheek, then thought better of it and backed up, saying goodbye with a small wave.

The man sighed, ran his hand along the back of his neck, and, tucking his hands in his pockets, began the short venture to his empty home.

A/N: It's probably pretty obvious that I didn't enjoy writing this chapter. I figured this was a pretty boring part of the story. But, moving on….


	11. Encounter and Aftermath

It's Bioware's. Not mine.

A/N: I meant to say earlier: Thanks for the views, follows, favorites, and review! I hope someone is enjoying reading this. And…onward!

****Kaidan began to hear rumors.

Commander Shepard had been spotted on the Citadel. Commander Shepard had been seen on Omega. He knew that Shepard had gained a certain amount of celebrity in her lifetime, and assumed that the rumors stemmed from there. Conspiracy theorists seemed to spot dead celebrities on a regular basis.

The whispers hurt him in unspeakable ways but Kaidan attempted to shrug them off. However, as the weeks passed and he continued to hear rumors, Kaidan's stomach began to twist and turn. The frequency of his migraines increased and his intense focus on his work began to waver.

Kaidan attempted to ask Anderson about the rumors. If anyone knew, it would be him. But every time he tried, Anderson would simply say that he could confirm nothing. There wasn't enough information.

Anderson couldn't tell him what he knew, especially not until he was sure himself. God forbid Anderson should give Kaidan hope only to have it crushed. Not to mention some of the more disturbing rumors that Shepard was now working for Cerberus.

Within a few weeks, Anderson sent Kaidan to a distant colony called Horizon because he had received information that it may be the next victim in the series of attacks. Why Kaidan alone was sent was beyond him, but his mission was to attempt to prepare the colony and, if the attack occurred, to do what he could to protect them and report any information he could back to Anderson.

Kaidan utilized as much of his technical expertise as he could in order to attempt to get the colony's defenses online, but the lack of both assistance and resources made the work slow-going. Some of the colonists seemed to be purposefully unhelpful, unable to overcome their mistrust of him as a representative of the Alliance.

He was walking and discussing this with one of the colonists when the sky began to go dark. He drew his gun and instructed the colonists to run to the safe house, but they were frozen as a giant ship loomed into view.

Suddenly a black cloud began to swell toward them. Through the scope of his gun Kaidan could see that the cloud was actually made up of a horde of large insects. His bullets could do little against it. To his horror, the bugs began landing on colonists, immediately sending them into a stone-like state.

He felt a pinch and all of his muscles stiffened up in a way he hadn't imagined possible. Colonists fell by the dozens around him, but he could barely even shift his eyes to watch. Kaidan strained to push his biotics along his skin, breaking the spell. After a large effort, he was able to move, painfully slowly, to a hidden spot behind a stack of crates, where he continued to try to unfreeze himself while there was still time to help the colonists.

Soon he heard gunshots, drawing nearer, and a series of explosions that sounded like a ship taking off. Just as he managed to completely break free, he heard a man shouting angrily and several pairs of footsteps.

"I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could," he heard, convinced that his mind was tricking him. It couldn't be that voice. He stepped around the corner, still hidden from view, needing to break the illusion.

Kaidan couldn't believe it. His breath caught in his throat as he saw the small but clearly powerful figure, frustration written on her face. '_Beautiful_,' he thought unwillingly.

"More than most, Shepard." Another familiar voice. Garrus?

"Shepard? Wait. I know that name. Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero," Delan said roughly.

Kaidan couldn't stand hearing the woman he had loved diminished in this way. Delan's attitude showed none of the respect that she deserved.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan, and a ghost," he spoke up as he came around the corner.

"All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types," Delan scoffed, storming off.

Kaidan was exasperated, but not for Delan's sake. The colonist had immediately vanished from his mind.

He hesitated when he got close to her, pausing to take in the view. His memories had in no way done her justice. Her hair was a little longer than usual, but her expectant facial expression was one that he had gotten to know well.

He wanted to run to her and scoop her up in his arms, but his self control, memories of his pain, and confusion mitigated this urge. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight for a few moments, breathing in her smell. He smelled smoke and sweat from the recent battle, but underneath was still her scent.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did," he murmured.

"It's been a long time, Kaidan. How've you been?" Shepard said as he released her. Her voice sounded disturbingly cavalier. As if they hadn't overcome so much to be together. As if she hadn't disappeared.

Kaidan snapped.

"Yeah, something's bothering me. I spent the past two years believing you were dead! I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

Pain slid through Shepard's eyes, hurt by the use of the past tense, but she quickly composed herself.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I spent the past two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus brought me back. I've been trying but no one would tell me how to get in touch with you. I tried."

Shepard looked him over and saw defiance on his face, a hardened expression that she had never seen directed at her. She could only assume he had moved on after so much time. They had only been together for a few short months, regardless of how intense those months had been. Though it seemed like it was yesterday for her, she had to come to terms that she had been absent for two years.

"So you're with Cerberus? And Garrus, too?" Kaidan took a step back, glaring at the woman and the Turian.

"We have a common goal, but I don't work for them," Shepard said, frustrated.

Kaidan couldn't believe it. Cerberus was a terrorist group who fought against so much of the interspecies cooperation that people like Anderson were fighting so hard for. What had really happened to her? Not to mention…

"Think of how much we lost," he reminded her, the anger in his voice breaking. Finally he saw true hurt surface on Shepard's face.

"Kaidan," her voice trailed off. She had been trying to keep herself busy specifically so she wouldn't have to think about the circumstances at the time of her death. The child that never had a chance. She never even knew if it was a boy or a girl – it would forever be nothing more than an "it."

But Kaidan had worked himself up too far to leave it alone there.

"We could have made it work. We were going to have a family. We were going to have something wonderful in the middle of all of this. You never should have gone back," his voice was growing thick.

Behind Shepard, Garrus' mandibles twitched and his eyes widened. The bald, tattooed woman that he had barely noticed before raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. "Shit," he heard her whisper.

"I almost made it, Kaidan. I was so close. I wanted to get back to you. This isn't the place to discuss this, please…come back. I could use you on the Normandy," Shepard tried to stay collected in front of the others.

"It wouldn't be the same. I don't know who you are anymore. Goodbye, Shepard," Kaidan said, turning and walking away. He instantly regretted his decision, but he was too stubborn to turn around and make more of a fool of himself.

Garrus put a hand on Shepard's shoulder. He felt her shaking. At first he assumed that she was crying, but her face was contorted with rage.

"Joker, get us out of here," she growled into her headpiece, "I've had enough of this planet."

Jack cast Garrus a look and Garrus shrugged. He would talk to Shepard later, but for now he knew he should say nothing. The Turian understood the fine line he had to walk between showing Shepard support and respecting her desire for privacy.

That night, Kaidan dreamed. Image after horrible image flashed through his head. Shepard, naked and curled up on his bed morphed and distorted, her skin charring and burning away, leaving her an unrecognizable hunk of gristle and bone.

Shepard stood before him in her armor, but as he watched the armor, and then her skin underneath, began to melt. Beneath her skin was a skeleton, glowing blue and husk-like. Like Saren, she leapt onto the ground and crawled toward him, seeking him with her claws.

The most painful dream of all was the one in which Shepard was smiling at him, holding his hand and leading him into the water at a beach. As she pressed her body into his he could almost feel it. It was tantalizing but he knew it was a lie.

The next day Kaidan checked his messages, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He saw a new message from Garrus with no subject and frowned. The two had formed a surprisingly close friendship two years ago, but they had quickly lost touch after losing Shepard. He steeled himself and opened the message.

_Kaidan,_

_I had no idea the extent of the situation two years ago. I promise your secret is safe with me, and Jack isn't exactly the most social creature. I'm sure her lips are sealed. I understand now why you acted like you did on Horizon but you have to believe me. Shepard's back and she's fighting. I know she hides it but not having you on her side this time was a big blow._

_We both know that Shepard doesn't need anyone to stick up for her. But think about the repercussions of what you said. I don't want to have to kick your ass next time I see you._

_Garrus  
_

Kaidan's frown deepened. Garrus was a good man, but he couldn't completely understand.

He and Shepard, two of the most stubborn people in existence, were officially butting heads for the first time. A few hours later, he sat down and composed an apology to Shepard, knowing that he should do more.

_Shepard,_

I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?

Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.

But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.

When things settle down a little...maybe…I don't know. Just take care.

– Kaidan

Though he didn't want to admit that he was doing it, after sending the message he checked his inbox twice as much as he usually did.

He never received a response.

Little did he know that on the Normandy, Shepard had typed and sent a response a matter of hours after receiving his message.

Miranda Lawson, a woman Kaidan had never heard of, filtered through Shepard's messages. The Illusive Man had given her clear orders that Shepard should think that the Alliance, and all that that entailed, had turned its back on her.

The Illusive Man wasn't surprised that Shepard was hesitant to trust them, but gaining her trust was essential for her to play her role properly. The intel he had collected during Shepard's reconstruction had clearly indicated that she and Alenko had had a relationship that extended beyond the professional. This wasn't particularly unexpected – relationships in the military were more common than regulations led on.

One thing that he had not expected was a report from Lawson informing him of a discovery they had made while assessing Shepard's body, or rather, what was left of it.

The Commander had been pregnant.

Shepard with us – and we can't others getting in our way. We'll have to play our cards right."

Miranda was still human, no matter how altered she was. When she saw the message from Kaidan Alenko, she quickly weighed her choices.

She needed Shepard emotionally functional.

'_Just this one_,' she thought, sending the message through. She then clicked an option that secretly blocked any further communication between the two addresses.

Miranda was later notified of an attempted outgoing message that had been successfully blocked. She opened it and began to read the letter, unsurprised.

_Kaidan,_

_I know the past two years haven't been easy for you. I have no idea how much I missed but I'd like to set things right with you, if we can. We've gone through loss together before and I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. We both lost a lot that day._

_Of course I remember the night before Ilos. Maybe better than you do. To me that was just a few weeks ago, but I know it's been two years. I'm sorry if I'm out of line, but I wish we could have had more nights like that._

_Regardless of how things went, it was good to see you. I wish I could say more right now. It seems we're always running right to meet death head-on and this is no exception. In case we don't make it – after all, what are my chances? I don't know too many people who are brought back from the dead…twice – In case we don't make it, I just wanted to say one last time that I love you._

_Hopefully when this is over we can talk this out and we can be at each other's sides again. There's no one I'd rather have there. _

_Shepard_

Miranda's finger hovered over the delete button. After a brief pause, she waved her finger.

MESSAGE PERMANENTLY DELETED the screen blared, and then it too went blank.

__One day a few weeks after Horizon, Kaidan's omni-tool pinged with a call from Anderson.

"Yes, sir?" Kaidan said to the hologram.

"Commander Alenko. I have some news that you may not like. We have reports that Shepard is headed for the Omega 4 relay. The chances don't look good," said Anderson. The strain in his voice was audible.

"What?" Kaidan shouted, "What is she doing?!"

"I'm not sure exactly, but I'm sure she has a damn good reason. I'll let you know if we find out more."

With that, Anderson hung up. Kaidan couldn't believe it. He had missed his chance to have her back already.


	12. Earth

A/N: Thank you, Abionastar50 for your review a while back. And thank you, Xiscorr for your review of the last chapter. I hope you like(d) the last game! There's a fair amount of Kaidaning to be had.

Also, Bioware and EA own everything yadda yadda yadda.

The next six months continued Kaidan's emotional rollercoaster. He had been overjoyed to find out that Shepard had survived her voyage through the Omega 4 relay, though what had happened there was unclear.

However, before they were even granted a glimpse of each other again, Shepard was rushed into custody and completely isolated at an Alliance base in Vancouver to await her trial.

The reports said that she had destroyed a mass relay, killing hundreds of thousands of Batarians. Kaidan was disgusted – had he begun to fool himself into thinking she was more than a Cerberus construction?

The woman he knew valued lives of aliens as much as those of humans. But maybe Cerberus really had managed to implant the hate for other species for which they were so well known.

Maybe she really had become just a puppet.

He was blocked from any communication with her and again attempted to completely busy himself with his work.

On one of his trips to the base he managed to find himself near where she was being kept, but the solid door was shut and a muscle-bound man with a tattoo visible on his neck was lingering out front.

Kaidan strolled by, attempting to be inconspicuous. He was absorbed in his new task, even though he had never pictured himself as a teacher. He wanted to provide the patient instruction that he had been denied when he was young, even if it meant being removed from the action.

The promotion from Lieutenant to Commander to Major in a span of two years was quite an accomplishment, but Kaidan's modesty kept him from feeling overly proud. He was sure politics had played a part in the promotions, but he did his best to live up to the title.

He was becoming attached to his students. His feelings for them were becoming paternal, feeling genuine pride for their forward strides and providing support and advice during their setbacks.

All the while, his mind ran in circles. The Shepard he had known would never have thrown away so many lives. The Shepard he had known had died. The Shepard he had seen on Horizon worked for Cerberus. The Shepard he had seen on Horizon seemed so real and familiar.

He often caught himself rubbing his temples, fighting off impending migraines, and his nightmares worsened. The Kaidan Alenko that performed his duties and social obligations during the day was transformed into a shadow of itself when he was alone at night.

One day he received a summons to appear in front of the Defense Committee as soon as possible. He immediately set off for Vancouver, informing his division that they were to perform their scheduled PT without him and could then have the rest of the day off.

The Defense Committee quickly informed him that they were beginning to lose communications with everything beyond Earth and it was time to prepare for attack. He and his biotics division should be expecting specific new orders soon, but in the meantime he should gather and prepare them for combat.

'_It's past time to get ready, but you've been too busy hiding from the truth to admit it,_' he thought, but he respectfully told them that his division would be ready wherever they were needed.

As he walked out, he caught sight of Admiral Anderson, who moved toward him. He met Anderson partway and nodded.

"Anderson," he said gruffly, then was shaken as he saw the woman standing behind the Admiral.

"Shepard," he added. His mind began turning again. She looked calm, human, like _his_ Shepard. Not some Cerberus monster.

"Kaidan," she breathed, trying to hide the fact that she was awestruck at Kaidan's appearance. He had grown far more muscular since she saw him out of his armor last. She took in his broad shoulders and the small amount of grey forming at his temples. It suited him.

"How'd it go in there, Major?" Anderson asked, purposefully cutting through the tension that he felt between the two.

"Okay, I think. Hard to know. Just waiting for orders now," Kaidan said, bringing his mind back to business.

"Major?" Shepard interjected as she joined them.

"You hadn't heard," Anderson barely made it a question, raising his eyebrow first at Shepard, then at Kaidan.

"No, I hadn't."

"I'm sorry, Shepard. It's been…well…" Kaidan trailed off, finding himself bumbling again. Knowing that Anderson knew of their relationship didn't make it easier to speak openly, and his mind was still rolling.

"That's okay. I'm just…glad I bumped into you, Kaidan," Shepard said, offering him a soft smile. She was attempting to be a peacemaker.

"Admiral," a woman said, again drawing them back to the task at hand. Since when had he been so easily distracted?

"Come on," Anderson said. He began to walk away. Shepard followed immediately, but as she passed Kaidan she looked him right in the eyes. Whatever she was now, her eyes were the same down to every last brown fleck. They held a warmth in that gaze that made Kaidan smile, but before he knew it she had walked past and he was staring at the back of her head.

Seemingly under their own volition his eyes appraised her body as she walked away, much like when he was first stationed on the Normandy. Shepard's body still curved in the same places and he imagined briefly the body he knew to be hiding under her clothes.

"You know the Commander?" the tattooed man suddenly appeared at Kaidan's side. '_Caught_,' he thought, breaking out of his reverie.

James Vega briefly glanced at Shepard's retreating rear, making less of an attempt to hide it than Kaidan. The man seemed to do it out of habit, not because he had any intentions.

"I used to," Kaidan said as Shepard disappeared from view.

Vega was immediately aware of the possible implications of this statement, cataloguing it in his mind to tease Shepard later.

James introduced himself and the two began a small banter. They were fighting their way through small talk when the ground shook beneath them.

A rumble sounded that shook their bones, followed by a high pitched screech that made Kaidan grit his teeth.

Immediately following the screech was an unbelievably loud explosion. James and Kaidan looked at each other, confusion written on the Lieutenant's face.

"Oh, shit!" James said.

"We have to get a hold of the Normandy," Kaidan shouted, "We'll help anyone we find along the way, but I have to find Shepard!"

"She was right, wasn't she? It's the Reapers?" James shouted back.

Kaidan nodded and turned to run, and James followed without hesitation.

The air around them was filled with bright red lights and smoke as he ran toward the room in which Shepard had disappeared. Thick smoke was drifting through the cracked doors, but there was too much rubble for Kaidan to get anywhere near. Kaidan's stomach turned. '_Not again,_' he thought.

As he drew nearer, he received an urgent call from Admiral Anderson.

"Major Alenko, is that you? What's your status? I can't raise the Normandy. You have to contact them. We'll meet you at the landing zone. Anderson out."

If Anderson had survived, it was possible that Shepard had as well. He pushed the thought out of his mind and called Joker. If Shepard were alive, she would need help as quickly as possible to remain so.

Joker immediately answered the call, and Kaidan could tell that he was out of breath. It didn't take much physical exertion to wear the pilot out, and the stress of the last few minutes was enough.

"Joker! Are you alright?" Kaidan immediately asked.

"Yeah, just dandy other than those giant freaking explosions. Also, I'm pretty sure I just saw a Reaper at my front door," Joker quipped before his voice grew serious, "I need help getting to the Normandy!"

"Where are you? We'll come get you and then we need to go get Anderson out of here," Kaidan said.

Joker told them. Conveniently he was never too far from his beloved ship, even when she was docked, so it wasn't too long before James and Kaidan found him.

James pushed Joker in a wheelchair while Kaidan served as a guard, fighting the husks that had already managed to infiltrate the building.

Mixed in with the husks were incredibly grotesque, bulbous creatures. They resembled humans less than husks, with long, gaping mouths and deep, hollow eyes. These new creatures almost appeared to be melting, but they were surprisingly resilient.

Kaidan heard Anderson yelling over the radio. The audio was cutting out, but he heard one word clearly.

_Shepard._

Even in the midst of disaster, he felt some part of his body relax.

When the odd trio reached the Normandy, Joker completely transformed. When he was on the ship, he was in his element, betraying none of his physical weakness.

"I am glad you made it, Jeff," EDI said immediately once they were aboard. A handful of the other crew members were already inside, seeking refuge within the ship.

"Yeah, me too," Joker said.

"We have to get to Anderson ASAP," Kaidan said to the pilot.

"You mean Shepard," Joker said, wiggling his eyebrows. Being on the ship had renewed Joker's cocky sense of humor. Luckily James was out of hearing range. Kaidan said nothing and headed toward the armory to pick up a gun.

The ship honed in on Anderson's location, which was quickly being overrun by the engorged creatures.

"The cavalry has arrived!" Joker said as they bombed the incoming creatures and looped around to pick the two up.

"About time," Anderson scoffed over the radio.

Anderson and Shepard climbed to the top of a pile of debris as the Normandy's bay door opened. Kaidan raced out, gun in hand, to meet the pair and ensure they made it safely onto the ship.

Shepard immediately leapt aboard and Kaidan caught her hand, steadying her.

"Welcome aboard, Shepard," Kaidan said, trying to hide his relief.

"Thanks," the woman muttered, but she quickly turned to face her mentor, baffled by his hesitation in joining their escape.

Kaidan kept his weapon ready and his eyes peeled as Anderson and Shepard argued about Anderson staying on Earth and vehemently instructed Shepard to gather as much as help as possible.

"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?" Shepard said.

"Consider yourself reinstated, Commander," Anderson said, "You know what you have to do."

"I'll be back for you, and I'll bring every fleet I can," Shepard said as she began to turn away. Her face softened as she turned back and said, "Good luck."

"You too, Shepard" was all Anderson said as the Normandy began to rise into the air.

Kaidan saw the pain in Shepard's face. She hated leaving the man who had been like a father to her in such a perilous situation, but the soldier in her knew better than to defy his orders.

Kaidan holstered his gun and looked at Shepard, then turned to face the world below them. For the first time he got a good view of the destruction beneath them. Within a matter of minutes the city he loved had become unrecognizable.

A monstrous Reaper clambered through the city, its footsteps causing almost as much destruction as its weaponry. Fires burned uncontrolled and the ground was completely buried under rubble.

They watched as two Alliance shuttles took into the air, evacuating as many civilians as possible.

Then the Reaper's laser eviscerated both shuttles, immediately vanquishing the lives within.

Kaidan saw Shepard's face hardening, something it did whenever she felt a strong emotion. Rather than letting it overcome her, she became incredibly stoic in times of stress. Those who didn't know her might mistake it for being cold, but Kaidan knew she was just shutting the emotion away to deal with it at a later time, when it wouldn't interfere with her mission.

He hesitantly stepped closer and put his arm around Shepard's waist from behind, squeezing slightly. They watched intently as the bay door closed and Shepard slowly reached up and squeezed his hand in return once, then released it.

With that, Kaidan removed his arm and turned away, heading deeper into the ship so they could try to figure out what the hell to do next.


	13. Mars

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting. Again, this chapter wasn't fun to write – I almost didn't include it.

They decided to head straight from Earth to the Citadel to ask for immediate help from the Council. Shepard hoped they hadn't forgotten what she had sacrificed in order to save their lives during the Battle of the Citadel and would be willing to reciprocate.

Before they could get underway, an urgent but jumbled message from Admiral Hackett came through urging them to go to Mars to investigate important Prothean ruins before the Reapers made Mars inaccessible.

Reluctantly they agreed, hoping they could finish the mission as quickly as possible in order to start enlisting help.

They landed on the red planet as a large storm rolled in from the distance. '_Good_,' thought Shepard, '_That storm will make damn sure we don't stay too long._' Even though Shepard was decidedly not a superstitious person, she considered for a half a second that the storm might be a bad omen, then moved on.

As James, Kaidan, and Shepard drew near the research facility, they were shocked to find newly arrived shuttles already ahead of them.

They began to slowly approach when they made an even more unnerving discovery. A human body lay on the ground before them and they briefly investigated it, their sense of unease growing twofold. There was more going on here than they had suspected.

The sound of gunshots had them running. Shepard stopped as she saw the all-too familiar white armor. Cerberus.

A Cerberus soldier stood, his gun to a prostrate man's head. Without hesitation he pulled the trigger and the man slumped over.

"Holy shit! They're executing them!" James exclaimed.

Too late to save the man, the trio launched into an attack, wiping out the small Cerberus group in front of them.

"Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?" James asked as they continued toward the base, guns drawn.

"Sure looked like it," Shepard said.

"Cerberus? What are they doing here on Mars?" Kaidan asked suspiciously.

"Good question," was all Shepard said.

"You don't know?" Kaidan asked. He was growing increasingly wary again. Seeing Shepard in danger on Earth had almost made him forget his uncertainties, but this was too much of a coincidence. Had she tipped Cerberus off? How else would they have known there was something important on Mars at the exact moment that Shepard had received the information?

"I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're asking," Shepard said, exasperated, "Not that I ever really considered myself to be in the first place."

"You have to admit it's a bit, uh, convenient," Kaidan pushed.

"This isn't the time for this, Kaidan," Shepard snapped.

James remained silent through the debate, knowing it wasn't his place to comment, but the Major's suspicions annoyed him.

He'd gotten to know Shepard over the past six months when he had been assigned as her guard. Hell, he'd gotten to like her. Watching her had hardly been considered work, even though the frustration of being stuck in one place made her sarcastic and occasionally short-tempered.

Generally the Shepard he knew was calm, with a confident sense of humor. When he had finally asked her what had happened, she explained the reason for her decision. And James believed her. Shepard was the last person he would expect to betray the Alliance.

"Shepard, I need a straight answer," Kaidan demanded as soon as they stepped into the research facility, striding toward the Commander.

"Kaidan…" Shepard said, putting her hand to her head and turning around, incredibly frustrated. She thought Kaidan was acting like a child for the first time since she had known him.

"Don't Kaidan me! This is business," Kaidan snapped, "Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"

"What makes you think I know what they're up to?" Shepard asked.

"You worked for them, for god's sake. How am I not supposed to think that?" Kaidan turned away, unable to face her.

"We joined forces to take down the Collectors. That's it."

James stood awkwardly back. The conversation sounded more like a spat between unfaithful lovers than a discussion between two high-ranking officers. Just how slowly was the facility's depressurization going to take? He was more than ready for this to be over.

"There's more to it. They rebuilt you from the ground up. They gave you a ship, resources…"

"Let me be clear. I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base. And I have no idea why they're here now or what they want. And all those resources? And that ship? Have you failed to notice that I stole them all from Cerberus and handed them over to the Alliance?"

"Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they've communicated since," James finally stepped in, frustrated. The Major was being completely illogical in the middle of a mission.

"Sorry, Shepard, it's just that…" Kaidan was interrupted by the final hiss that indicated that the depressurization was complete. He stood facing away from Shepard as she stormed away and all three removed their helmets.

"You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan," she said, turning to glare at him.

He looked at the ground, brooding. Again he found that he couldn't face her. Seeing her only complicated things further because it made it so damn easy for him to believe that she was really back.

For her part, Shepard did the best she could to stay patient with Kaidan. He was still a damn good soldier to fight beside – even more so than two years earlier. He had grown more confident in battle and his powers were more focused.

She understood his distrust for Cerberus, never having completely trusted them herself. She just hoped that he would see it and that it wouldn't interfere with the task at hand.

She turned away again as the elevator started. Kaidan rubbed his forehead uncomfortably, feeling his pulse beat in his temples.

As they stepped off the platform, Shepard turned to him again.

"Please trust me," she said, anger erased from her face. In its place was an earnest hurt, which she quickly buried and returned to playing the soldier, leaving Kaidan to stand and sputter.

"I do, I'm sorry…" again Kaidan was interrupted by a series of bangs from above. He felt more confused than ever, unable to drop what had been on his mind for so long. She and Vega were so unrelentingly sure that it cast doubt on all of his fears.

The series of bangs continued, clearly coming from an air shaft above. Suddenly an Asari tumbled out of a vent, and when a Cerberus soldier spilled out after her she snatched him up in a Singularity and casually finished him off with her pistol.

Shepard and Kaidan recognized her immediately. It was Liara T'Soni, the "young" Prothean expert with whom they had traveled two years earlier.

As more Cerberus troops poured in, Kaidan really witnessed Shepard's new biotics for the first time. He had to fight to keep his jaw from dropping. Whereas before Shepard's powers were powerful, the Commander had now turned into a literal force of nature.

He watched her rear back and then smash forward, charging into a crowd of enemies on a huge wave of energy. Kaidan was even more impressed when immediately following this, Shepard punched the ground and sent out a powerful blast, obliterating everything nearby.

He made a mental note to ask her about this later. What had Cerberus done to her? They had obviously really gone all out with the rebuild. He grimaced, thinking that they had obviously done so with the intent of her becoming _their_ weapon.

Reuniting with Liara was surprisingly pleasant, even if it was chaotic. The asari had clearly grown in the past two years and he wondered mildly what she had been up to. She seemed to have lost her naivety and innocence, which probably meant that it wasn't good.

Liara and Kaidan had long ago managed to smooth over the awkward situation when they had been competing for Shepard's affection, and she was one of the few people whose presence had helped calm him after Shepard's death.

Shepard sent James back to the shuttle, leaving Liara, Kaidan, and herself to fight off the rest of the Cerberus troops and retrieve the data.

The trio came to a security room, trying to access footage to determine what had happened. As they watched, the video displayed two security personnel hard at work.

Behind them, a woman in skin-tight white clothing appeared behind them. She immediately drew a gun and put down the two men. The camera slumped over, showing the woman rapidly accessing a console, glancing over her shoulder.

Kaidan walked a few steps away, standing guard at the door, disgusted.

"Dr. Eva," Liaa said grimly.

"I guess we know how Cerberus got in," Shepard sighed.

"I should have realized it when I met her. I was just so focused on finding a way to stop the Reapers," Liara said, walking away to access a security console.

"There's no way you could have known who she was. Stopping the Reapers is the only thing we should be focused on. It's not your fault," Shepard said.

"But what if we're wrong? What if there's no way to stop them? What if these are our last days and we spend them scurrying around trying to solve a problem we can't fix?"

"Come on, Liara."

"I know, I shouldn't think that way. I don't know how you do it. You've always stayed focused, even in the worst situations."

"When there's so much at stake I just think about what I'd lose if I fail."

Shepard looked in Kaidan's direction as she said it, and Liara noticed the characteristic furrowing of the Commander's brow.

The asari's recent takeover of the Shadow Broker's empire ensured that she was informed of plenty that occurred between the two, including what they had lost together.

She hadn't met to pry, but she had eventually accessed Project Lazarus' status reports and the intel that Cerberus had gathered on her friend.

Kaidan felt Shepard's gaze on the back of his head and turned around, their eyes meeting briefly. He turned pointedly away.

"That's a terrible burden," Liara said softly.

"Well stop them, Liara. Together," Shepard said solidly.

Liara continued her work on the panel in front of her, quickly gaining access and pulling up current security records.

"Looks like they've made it to the archives," she said.

"I doubt they'll just send us a tram," Kaidan scoffed.

"The archives are on a separate network. We're completely locked out," Liara said as she shook her head.

"Not if we can find a shortwave communicator – helmet to helmet," Kaidan said.

"And?" Shepard asked.

"And we convince them we're on their side and the Alliance forces are taken care of."

"Good idea. See what you can find," Shepard said authoritatively.

Kaidan strolled out, ignoring the fact that he technically outranked Shepard, but obeyed her order regardless.

Shepard caught sight of Liara smirking.

"What?"

"The Major has become very…capable."

"That he has," Shepard enunciated slowly with a sigh.

"Shepard! I found something," Kaidan called from the other room.

"What've you got?" she asked, joining him.

As she walked out, Liara smiled again. She wished nothing but happiness for those two. They both deserved it, but they were too stubborn and focused to admit it.

"He's got a transmitter in his helmet. If I can…" Kaidan cut off as he pulled off the man's helmet.

The man's skin tone had dulled to a sick grey, with black and blue seams running throughout. Though the original features of his face were retained, his eyes had turned into black holes with shining blue centers. The blue highlights seemed to glow and pulsate.

"My God…he looks like a husk," Kaidan said, disgusted.

"Yeah, not quite, but they've definitely done something to him," Shepard said. She leaned over to look at the man.

"And by 'they,' you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy? Is this what they did to you?" The words were out of Kaidan's mouth before he could stop them, but he felt almost glad to have them out in the open. This had been on his mind for a long time and he needed answers.

"How can you compare me to him?" Shepard snapped. She wasn't sure exactly _what_ Cerberus had done to her, but she tried to keep the doubts at bay. It didn't matter anymore. She was here. It was what it was.

"Shepard, I don't know what you are. Or who. Not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself," Kaidan's golden eyes burned into hers.

"Kaidan…" Shepard began, her voice softening. She was still frustrated, but she understood.

Kaidan had been so hurt by her loss that he was protecting himself by trying to keep her at a distance. But he was clearly fighting it. She knew, then, that he still cared.

"Don't try to explain it. I don't think I'd understand anyway. I just want to know: is the person I followed to hell and back – the person that I loved – are you still in there…somewhere?"

"They didn't change me, Kaidan. Or how I feel about you. But words won't convince you, will they?" she knew better than to force too much physical contact, but she wanted to make her feelings known. She gently gripped his arm.

He was unwillingly reminded of the first time they had touched like this, but she immediately released him.

"Probably not," he said, voice lighter than before.

"I didn't think so. You were always stubborn."

"Me?" Kaidan laughed.

"Come on, let's see what Cerberus is up to. Maybe we'll both get some answers."

Their scheme worked and Cerberus soldiers arrived shortly, bringing a tram with them that would allow them a way to the archives. They fought their way through, but the majority of the Cerberus crew seemed to have already been taken care of.

As they attempted to access the archives, Liara shouted that the data was being rapidly erased. On cue, a hologram of a man appeared. Shepard recognized her former boss instantly and responded with anger, taunting the man, refusing to relinquish control of the conversation to him.

Kaidan's eyebrows raised as he quickly realized the meaning behind her words. The Illusive Man? He had never seen so much as a picture of the man before, but he was immediately disgusted. The man clearly lived a life of luxury, and he appeared pompous and pampered.

He knew some part of him should have been thankful that the man had gone through so much to bring Shepard back, but what had he created? What sort of tinkering had he done to the woman that Kaidan loved? This was the man who had possibly polluted her, had tried to use her for his own devices, had invaded her body in unspeakable ways rather than letting it rest.

He hated The Illusive Man's pretentious, nonchalant voice. He was lucky they weren't actually face to face.

When they discovered that Cerberus had stolen the data, they began a panicked chase after Dr. Eva, the Cerberus spy who had recently infiltrated the research facility.

She was inhumanly fast and was already aboard her shuttle as the three finally began to close the distance.

"Cerberus is getting away with the data! Normandy, _anybody_!" Shepard cried into the radio.

"I got this one!" James said into their earpieces seconds before the shuttle he was piloting collided into Dr. Eva's. The damage was pretty bad, but no one was injured. Except Dr. Eva, they thought. There was no way she could have survived, but hopefully some of the data was salvageable.

Kaidan and Liara started toward the Cerberus shuttle as Shepard signaled angrily at James to pull around and land his damaged shuttle before he crashed.

As they drew near, the door of the mangled shuttled exploded outward.

Dr. Eva, skin melting off to reveal a metal skin beneath, crashed toward the pair. The doctor was a cyborg.

Kaidan pushed Liara behind him and prepared a biotic attack, but before he could send it off, the cyborg grabbed his helmet easily in one hand and lifted him into the air.

Kaidan struggled, vainly pulling at the metal arm, trying to escape. He flailed, the pain on his neck minimal compared to the panic he felt as being completely helpless.

Shepard aimed her gun but couldn't get a clear shot around Kaidan's flailing form.

"Orders?" the machine asked into its headpiece in a deceivingly feminine voice.

"Dispose of him," Shepard heard clearly over the radio, the Illusive Man's voice sounding smug. God damn him.

"No!" she cried, but it was too late.

She watched as Kaidan struggled, still attempting to free himself from the machine's grasp. The robot quickly spun around and smashed his body into the side of the shuttle. After the second blow, Kaidan stopped moving.

Shepard gritted her teeth, senses heightened with rage and fear, and shot the robot, which turned around and charged at her. After it fell, she ran to Kaidan, instructing James to grab the robot's body. She slung Kaidan's limp form over her shoulders and made her way to the Normandy.

When she deposited his body on a cot in the medbay, she stood, hunched over, lost in fear. Kaidan's eyes were closed and he was completely unresponsive. What she could see of him was bruised purple, covered in scratches. There were a few deeper cuts that leaked blood profusely.

Shepard's mind was uncharacteristically blank. Kaidan had been unexpectedly cold to her since she had come back, but the idea of losing him had her frozen.

Liara moved around to the other side of the table, but Shepard barely registered the movement. She desperately listened for the sound of breath, keeping her face hidden. For the first time in a long time, tears were welling in her eyes.

The asari looked from the man to Shepard, all too aware of the Commander's frozen state.

"Kaidan needs medical attention," Liara said.

Shepard didn't respond, so Liara bent over Kaidan's inert body to look her in the face.

"We have to leave the Sol System," Liara said firmly.

"I know," Shepard muttered.

"The Citadel is our best chance. We can find help there. There may still be time."

"Get us to the Citadel, Joker," Shepard commanded.

"Roger that," Joker said solemnly.

"Hold on Kaidan," Shepard said, gently stroking his armor. She was afraid to touch him, afraid to break a man who appeared so unbreakable.

Joker radioed ahead to the Citadel and a team of paramedics was awaiting their arrival with a stretcher. They quickly swept Kaidan away, jogging even as they carried his body.

"Barely got a pulse here," one of the medics called as they ran.

Shepard cringed, her insides clenching. She tried to tell herself that she had done all that she could, but her mind wouldn't rest.

As always, Shepard attempted to push her fears away, putting on a stoic face because she was in public.

Kaidan had been forced to watch her die, but she had been reborn and remade. If Kaidan died, there was no one to bring him back.

She promised herself that if he survived she would set what was wrong with them straight – no more excuses.


	14. Huerta Memorial - Asleep

Shepard performed some basic administrative duties after Kaidan was rushed away, simply to pass some time. She wouldn't be able to see him immediately anyway and she struggled to keep her mind occupied.

Before she visited the Council, Shepard decided to chance visiting Kaidan in the hospital – hopefully the doctors had finished their work on him by now. The medics' parting words had left her with a constant twisting in the pit of her stomach.

It was hard enough on Shepard when she lost fellow soldiers on a mission, but losing Kaidan combined with the manner in which she left Earth brought Shepard close to her limit. While she wouldn't admit this to many people, she needed to have some kind of hope.

As she entered the lobby, she was surprised to see Thane sitting on a couch, eyes unfocused as he stared out of floor-to-ceiling picture window.

She sat down next to her friend, knowing that if Thane was here, the prognosis was grim. Their conversation left her saddened, but also somewhat relieved.

It seemed Thane had finally made peace with himself; his reconnection with his son had done him wonders and he accepted the inevitably of his death with grace.

"I assume, Shepard, that you are here for the man that they ran through here not long ago?" Thane asked.

"Yes, Kaidan Alenko. We served together two years ago on the original Normandy," Shepard said.

"I sense that there is more to your relationship," Thane said, "but it's not my place to pry. I always assumed that there was someone you were waiting for since you so persistently rejected the affections of the many men who attempted to gain your favor. I will keep a watch over him while you are gone, Shepard."

"Thank you," was all Shepard could say.

As always, Shepard was amazed at his composure and promised to visit again soon, a promise she whole-heartedly intended to keep.

She spotted Dr. Chakwas and Dr. Michel as she approached the door that would lead her to the patient rooms. In order to get some idea of what to expect, she steered toward Dr. Chakwas.

"Shepard! There you are. Somehow I knew to expect you," Dr. Chakwas smiled warmly

"Dr. Chakwas? What are you doing here? I didn't think you could stand to be off a ship."

"I'm working at an Alliance R&D lab down in the words. I'm working closely with Admiral Hackett. I heard you escaped Earth on the Normandy and that someone was critically injured. I came as fast as I could."

"We had a run-in with a Cerberus synthetic on Mars. Kaidan took the worst of it. How is he doing?" Shepard managed to sound fairly cavalier but Dr. Chakwas knew the worry underneath.

"Very well, all things considered. I'm impressed with Major Alenko's resilience, as well as Dr. Michel's expertise. I wish I could have been there to help on Mars."

Shepard knew without a doubt that she wanted Dr. Chakwas onboard the Normandy. There was no one she would trust more to take care of the crew's medical needs and knew she could implicitly trust the woman. Not to mention that Dr. Chakwas' natural maternal instincts had made her feel like family.

After making sure that the doctor hadn't suffered any for loyally following her to Cerberus, Shepard invited her aboard the Normandy, an offer the doctor joyfully accepted.

The tension of the day mildly relieved by Dr. Chakwas' prognosis, Shepard stepped through the passage to the inpatient rooms.

She gained permission to Kaidan's room and stepped in, holding her breath.

The staff had somehow managed to strip Kaidan of his mangled armor and he lay naked except for a loose white sheet, arms limply laying at his sides. With his wounds cleaned Kaidan looked marginally better, but the extent of the damage was all too visible.

The worst damage was clearly to his head, but he had other, smaller wounds covering his body. He had a large cut on the bridge of his nose and deep purple bruises welling on both sides of his face.

His head was turned to the side, away from her, clearly to keep pressure off the back of his head where the worst injuries lay.

She took in the wounds, noticing again the small scar at the base of his skull that indicated that he had received biotic implants. His face looked completely relaxed for the first time, but she could still see the small lines that had begun to form, especially the small crinkles at the corners of his eyes.

Shepard stepped forward slowly, standing beside the man with whom she shared such strangely tumultuous love. That was still how Shepard thought of it, regardless of Kaidan's hesitance.

She leaned over him and stroked the back of his neck, tracing the line of scar tissue. She slowly her way to his cheek, trailing her finger from forehead to jaw. As she leaned closer to his face, she was shocked to find tears welling in her eyes.

Shepard didn't cry. Being alone made it slightly harder to fight, and she let a single tear drop. It fell on Kaidan's cheek and ran down to the sheet below.

"Kaidan," she whispered, "It's hard seeing you like this. I don't know if you can hear me, but since you can't tell me to get the hell out, either…I'm going to take my chances."

She tried to laugh a little at that last, but she could hear her voice wavering.

"Don't die, Kaidan. You've got to fight," Shepard continued, but she heard the door hiss behind her and footsteps, inevitably a doctor performing a routine check. She straightened up, keeping her back to the doctor to give her time to compose herself.

"We need you in this. Seeing you in action again reminded me that you're a hell of a soldier. The Alliance could sure use you," she attempted to sound as if she were merely professionally concerned, but her voice lowered again and she whispered, "I could…use you."

She turned to face the doctor, "If you need anything, doctor, let me know. I will help in any way I can."

The man nodded and Shepard turned to walk away, but she couldn't resist one more glance over her shoulder.

"Please, Kaidan," she whispered, and stepped back out, her face transforming into a stoic mask.


	15. Healing

Within a few days of entering the hospital, Kaidan began to drift in and out of consciousness as the doctors began to gradually ease down the dosages of his pain medication.

He saw vague images which he couldn't distinguish from his dreams. His dreams were even more vivid than usual, though less coherent. Strings of images, some memories, some imagined, floated through his field of vision.

Shepard grabbing his hand and leading him into a steaming shower, smirking lopsidedly.

A beach where the sea begins to bubble, hissing and boiling away.

Large, dark shadows streaming across the ground, creating strange shapes and patterns.

The cracking sounds of hockey pucks, intermingled with breaking ice, suddenly become Vyrrnus' breaking bones.

Swirling lines of grey and black that form a sphere, which divides itself and two and multiplies. Divides itself and multiplies. Again and again and again, until it begins to take shape. Two small hands….two small legs…

The Normandy being torn in half and his heart contracting painfully until he looked to his right only to see Shepard seated, not in her armor, but in her favorite sweatpants, looking at him expectantly. The shuttle, empty except for them, suddenly seeming small and cozy. She leans in to him, crawling up his body, lips drawing close and sucking in his breath.

When Kaidan fully regained consciousness, a doctor quickly appeared.

Kaidan felt mild discomfort to see that his doctor was none other than Marissa – the doctor with whom he had shared a few drinks.

"Name, please?" she asked, peering over her datapad.

"Kaidan Alenko," he rasped.

"Do you know the date?"

Kaidan wasn't sure how many days he had been out, but he estimated. The woman nodded curtly, typing on the datapad.

"And can you count to ten, please?"

Kaidan did so, slowly, but without error.

The red-haired woman smiled, shedding some of her professionalism.

"It looks like you're healing faster than expected, Kaidan. When I saw your name on the register I immediately signed on to be in your circulation. I think your friends would have killed me if I hadn't," she said.

"Thanks, Marissa. How have you been?"

"Plenty busy," she said, her face quickly crumpling, eyes filling quickly with tears, "It kills me not being able to go back to Earth. I hardly know what's going on back home."

The woman betrayed her weakness far easier than Shepard ever had. It made Kaidan shift, slightly uncomfortable. The slight movement made him feel like his skull was splintering, each piece cutting into his brain. It was worse than any migraine he had had.

This didn't go unnoticed by the doctor.

"You need your rest, Kaidan. I think you're going to be fine unless something unforeseen arises. I'll be back later to check on your implant, but this is enough for now. I'm going to give you a dose of painkiller, and you need to get some more sleep."

Kaidan blinked in reply, head still splintering.

"You know," she began as she administered the drug intravenously, "I ran into a woman leaving your room right after you were admitted."

Through the pain, Kaidan's perked up slightly.

"I understand now, Kaidan. No hard feelings," she smiled, "She's beautiful, but even just passing her in the hall was intimidating. She has quite a presence."

Kaidan's vision began to blur as the medication kicked in. '_Shepard was here_,' was the last thing he thought before darkness overtook him.

After it was determined that the damage to Kaidan's implants was fairly workable, a specialist on L2 implants was called in on Marissa's recommendation.

The older woman seemed to clash with the sterile hospital atmosphere. She was an MD, but her hair was wild and her dress seemed to better fit a colonist commune than a hospital.

She peered at him over her glasses, and after examining the scans of her implants decided that a combination of homeopathic and traditional medication was the best plan of action.

Kaidan was still in and out of drugged states when he heard his door hiss. Expecting another examination he shifted, attempting to sit upright.

His eyebrows raised when instead he saw a drell in a red coat standing in the doorway with his arms behind his back.

"Major Alenko, may I step in?" the drell asked politely.

"Sure," Kaidan said, curiosity piqued.

The drell strode forward and sat down in the chair next to Kaidan's bed, resting his elbows on his knees and interlacing his fingers.

"My name is Thane Krios," the drell said, "You may have heard that I served with Commander Shepard during her pursuit of the Collectors."

Kaidan sifted through his memories. He had heard rumors of her recruitment of a drell assassin. But what was the man doing here?

"Yeah, I did hear that," he said, "What brings you here?"

"I am not long for this world," Thane said, "I am in the final stages of Kepral's Syndrome."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know much, but I hear it's very painful," Kaidan said.

"But I am sure you wanted a more specific answer. I am here because of our mutual friend," Thane said.

Kaidan listened quietly.

"I fought beside her many times and we had many conversations. She had little free time, but what she had she gifted on the crew. I feel that she got to know many of us more intimately than anyone expected, and in some cases, better than anyone had taken the time to do before."

"Yeah, that does sound like her," Kaidan smiled to himself, remembering their first days together in which he had watched Shepard mingle with the crew. He had noticed that while she seemed to listen endlessly, she rarely gave anything away about herself.

And, of course, she had begun to spend a disproportionately large amount of time visiting him and, just like everyone else, he had found himself spilling his guts to her before he knew it. She wasn't looking for gossip and she never judged. She simply listened.

Thane watched as the man slipped into revelry and nodded.

"I am sure you are acquainted with this habit of hers," Thane said, "But I didn't come just to compare notes. I sensed then a constant, quiet unease in Shepard, and I sensed it again when I most recently spoke to her."

Thane paused.

"I had not yet joined the crew when they investigated the colony on Horizon, but I heard certain murmurs, especially from the pilot, Joker, and the turian, Garrus. I understand you knew them both."

Kaidan winced slightly. He supposed he had earned any infamy he had gained.

"The Commander let on very little about her frustration and she was unwaveringly dedicated to destroying the Collectors.

It was made very clear to me, as well as the others she recruited, that she didn't consider herself, or any of us, to be working for Cerberus. In fact, it was endlessly amusing to watch her subversive attitudes toward the Illusive Man. The Commander is…not very subtle."

Their eyes met and both smiled. An understatement, surely.

"She blew up the Collector base against the Illusive Man's wishes – a blow of a magnitude I think even he did not expect. But in everyday, smaller ways, Shepard was just as defiant," Thane continued.

Kaidan really spoke up for the first time, "So you honestly don't think she considered herself a part of Cerberus? I know you didn't know her before…but the soldier…the woman that I knew would never have worked for anyone so malevolent."

"Major, you must remember, I was a non-human aboard a ship that belonged to a pro-human terrorist group. No harm ever came to me. Most of the crew were slightly aloof, but Shepard set the rules onboard and all were at least passably friendly to us. Shepard accomplished her seemingly impossible goal while simultaneously consuming a vast amount of Cerberus resources. She even undertook some missions from the Alliance. So that, Major, should hopefully suffice."

Kaidan shifted his neck, closing his eyes.

"I've been a fool," he said, "I let her get away from me because I didn't trust her enough. I followed her to the end of the universe, but I couldn't believe her. What's wrong with me?"

Kaidan's voice was gruff. He barely heard the drell move, but before he could open his eyes, he felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"No life is without error," Thane said, "But no life is without the capability for redemption."

Kaidan rolled his head to look at his strange visitor. He had trouble combining the man in front of him with his reputation as an assassin.

"Also, while this is my business even less than what we just discussed, but allow me to say that, while many eyes onboard the Normandy favored Shepard, hers gave no one so much as a second glance," Thane said.

Kaidan didn't know what to say. Despite this man being a stranger, there was no doubting his sincerity.

"I must go now. We both must rest. Please consider what I said," Thane said, "I will be available to talk more later, if you would like."

"Thane…thank you," Kaidan said, realizing he was exhausted, "Please feel free to visit. Hopefully I'll be able to return the favor soon…assuming I can escape this bed."

The drell nodded curtly, folded his hands behind his back, and walked through the door.

Kaidan laid his head back and closed his eyes, the constant cycling in his mind gradually beginning to slow.

A few days later, Kaidan had another surprise visitor. Councilor Udina strolled in, pompous as ever. He surprised Kaidan even further by offering him Spectre status. Becoming the second human Spectre was a huge honor, but Kaidan wasn't sure he had earned it.

He hated being a political pawn – something was certainly behind Udina's offer. He told Udina he would consider his offer but there was someone he needed to talk to before accepting, something Udina hadn't been expecting.

He stormed out of the hospital room, saying that he would return soon expecting an answer.

As soon as the Councilor was out of the room, Kaidan stretched over to his bedside table for his omni-tool, slowly typing out a message to Shepard. He finally felt strong enough to see her. He didn't want to be dozing in and out and waste his chance.

Early the next morning, Udina returned, demanding an answer and attempting to persuade Kaidan to accept.

"You'll have it soon, Councilor. I promise," Kaidan said.

"I look forward to it," Udina said blithely. He turned when he heard someone coming in the door.

"Shepard," he sneered, stalking out the door.

"Udina," she said, not even sparing a glance in his direction.

Kaidan watched the brief interchange with amusement. He and Shepard were obviously still on the same page about Udina.

"Hey," she said joyfully to Kaidan.

"Shepard, hey. You just missed snack time…actually, that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming." Kaidan's enthusiasm was unbridled and he was begin to babble like he had on the original Normandy when he was nervous.

Shepard noticed the drastic change in his attitude toward her since she had last seen him. Maybe he had hit his head too hard…

"No problem," she said, taking a seat, "What did Udina want?"

"He's offered to make me a Spectre."

"And? You're taking it, right? You deserve it."

"It's a big honor…a huge responsibility. Just wanted to be sure. Plus, I've seen how tough it can be to be a human Spectre…"

Shepard smirked. "Here, I brought you something. I guess you can take it as congratulations," she said, pulling a jar of his favorite brand of whiskey out of her bag.

"Thanks Shepard, that's really great. Maybe when I'm out we can crack it open and celebrate. I am so ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can't tell, but I'm actually tied to this bed by medical red tape. I mean Doc…Doc says I'm good to go, but then she always finds 'just one more test' to run."

"Are you doing okay? Really?"

"My implant got a little…rattled, so Doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It's really no big deal."

"Need me to break you out?"

"I'll let you know."

"I'm glad you asked me to come. It's good to see you're going to be okay," Shepard paused, "You almost died on my watch. It was horrible to see, and I care about what happens to you."

"Thanks. Me too," Kaidan said. He was aware that Shepard's hand was on his bed and he moved his hand toward hers. She stretched to meet his hand and he interwove their fingers, giving a brief squeeze.

"That means a lot, Shepard. So, I just want to make sure – after Mars, after Horizon. You and me, we're good? I…I'm sorry, Shepard. I was treating you unfairly, and I wasted a lot of time. I'm sorry."

"We've been through hell together, Kaidan, had each other's backs. That kind of bond is hard to break."

"You know there's more to it than that. We were never really just two soldiers serving together – not even at the start. You listened to everything – about Vyrrnus, about Rahna…and you didn't judge me. You knew I needed that. We went through Ash's death together, and…" Kaidan trailed off.

"Yeah…we did," Shepard said, head sinking down.

"So after all that, this has to be worth something. So what do you say, are we good? Can we move past everything?"

"We're good. It was great having you back on the Normandy."

"I'm really glad you came by. Talking like this reminds me how much I like you," Kaidan said, "We're good together."

Shepard looked up, green eyes meeting his brown. She was still hesitant, lest Kaidan should have another change of heart. But what she saw in his eyes was sincere apology, and underneath that…she thought she saw the stirrings of desire.

She felt a quick jolt run through her body, followed by an electric heat. Images from two years ago flashed through her mind.

"Feel like we've cleared the air?" Shepard cleared her throat.

"Yeah, well, one more thing. I'm sorry…that I wasn't there for you after you came back. I'm not sure I was wrong about Cerberus…but I've been wrong about you. And hearing that you were going through the Omega 4 Relay…I didn't want things to have ended the way we left them."

Shepard squeezed his hand tightly, "It's okay, Kaidan. I would never ask you to put me before your duty to the Alliance. Being suspicious of Cerberus isn't a bad thing. Didn't you get my message?"

"What message?" Kaidan asked.

"After Horizon," Shepard said.

Kaidan shook his head slowly.

"Well…I guess we can chalk that up to one more thing I have to be pissed at Cerberus about," Shepard smiled.

"So give me the updates, Major," she continued, "You've obviously been up to a lot. Congrats."

Kaidan explained about the Special Biotics Division, about collecting human biotics – the misfits like they had both been – from around the galaxy and putting their powers to use.

She immediately understood his apprehension at becoming a teacher rather than being on the front lines in the battlefield, along with his pleasure at being able to be the kind of teacher that he should have had in his youth.

"Where's your family? Are they safe?" Shepard asked hesitantly.

"My family…My parents live in Vancouver."

Shepard winced. Her last images of the city haunted her.

"But dad's family owns an orchard in the BC interior. They were headed out there on a shuttle the day of the attack."

"Heard from them?" Shepard asked hopefully.

"No, not yet. But I hope…I'm hoping Dad's Alliance training has kept them safe. Must be killing them not knowing where I am."

"Well, if he's anything like you I'm sure they're well cared for."

"It might sound silly, but I was hoping one day you could meet them," Kaidan said, his eyes boring into Shepard's again.

"Whatever we are," Kaidan continued, "I just know that I like having you in my life. I still have hope that we can get over Horizon, and everything else. Maybe you should just know that I'm not seeing anyone and…and that I still care. I…well, I haven't really seen anyone. I couldn't."

"Kaidan…you didn't have to wait for me, you –"

Kaidan cut her off, "Hey, look…there's a war on – and maybe you and me'll never happen – but I needed you to know that.

Shepard smiled, "Nearly dying really change you heart this much?"

"No, Shepard…it never really changed in the first place. The past two years…what I felt…never left. I just couldn't give in if I wasn't sure it was you. But I know now."

He leaned forward as much as he could. Shepard leaned forward to meet him. Their eyes closed as their lips drew near. His hand squeezed hers tighter, then reached up to stroke her jaw, pulling her closer.

Shepard's omni-tool beeped urgently.

A message from Joker. Kaidan looked down at it with disgust.

"He really knows how to time those things, doesn't he?" Kaidan frowned.

"Yeah, I'm going to have to have a talk with him…but I probably shouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing the power he has," Shepard said. Much to Kaidan's disappointment she had backed off, opening the message.

"I should go," she said, feeling the tension between them.

"Yeah, I understand. Thanks for visiting," Kaidan said.

Shepard thought for a moment, then stretched over to Kaidan again, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before turning on her heel and leaving.

'_Damn,' _was all Kaidan could think, but he settled back again, surprised to find that he was exhausted.

Udina came to visit again not long after Shepard's visit, clearly despising that he had been tossed out for that woman's sake. Kaidan reveled in it, but told Udina he accepted his appointment to Spectre.

"Excellent," Udina said, "I'm sure you know this will be quite a show."

Kaidan sighed inwardly but agreed.

It wasn't long before Kaidan was released from his bed, but he was still restricted to the hospital. Time passed incredibly slowly and he was itching for some sort of action.

Kaidan sent Shepard a message that he was up and about and her reply came quickly.

_Be there as soon as I can. But unfortunately you know what that means. There's always one more thing to do, but I'm looking forward to it. Glad to hear you're doing okay._

_Shepard  
_

He spent time visiting with Thane, finding the man's company exceedingly calming. He couldn't relate to Thane's need for spirituality, but found his self-control enviable.

Not to mention that Thane was more than willing to regale Kaidan with very detailed recounts of his escapades with Shepard.

Within a week, Shepard arrived again. Kaidan had just finished his morning physical therapy, pushing himself probably harder than was healthy after such serious injury.

"Hey, Shepard, if you came to spring me, you're late. I'm getting out soon," Kaidan joked.

"Good to hear," Shepard said, "You had me worried for a while." She didn't want to admit how much of an understatement this was.

"Maybe you already saw the vid, but I accepted Udina's offer."

"Spectre Kaidan Alenko? That's a big deal. I like the sound of it."

"Only the second human Spectre. The first set the bar pretty high, you know. I'm now also the second most attractive human Spectre," Kaidan said, eyeing her for a reaction. When she smirked and shook her head, he continued, "But anyway, it's humbling. Udina thinks they may have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. He says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto. It's strange…I nearly died on Mars, but now…the promotion from Anderson, Spectre status, working with you again…these are terrible days, but I've been lucky."

"You really deserve this, Kaidan," Shepard took his hand, "I've known since Eden Prime that you were an amazing soldier. But, well…I thought you might want to join the Normandy. It would be just like old days."

"Yeah, of course I've thought about it. There are just a few things I need to do first…I need to check on my students…I haven't had much luck so far, but I need to know that they're okay. I'm hoping it's just their training making them hard to find."

Shepard smiled, "You don't half-ass anything, do you, Kaidan?" She took one step toward him.

"Never," he said softly. He stepped toward her, determined not to have his chances ruined this time. No more hesitation.

He ran his hand through her straight, smooth hair, then put his hand on the back of her head while his other hand simultaneously wound its way around her waist.

The kiss was fast and passionate, but it led both involved to only want more. She pulled him closer, forcing her body against his and she heard him let out a small puff of breath.

She folded her arms around his neck, careful to avoid any places that were possibly still healing.

Before she knew it, Kaidan was withdrawing. She attempted to follow him, but he gently placed his hands on her arms. He took one hand by her fingers and pressed it to his lips.

"We'll continue this later," he said, "I promise."


	16. Spectre Alenko

A/N: Sorry I've been so slow in uploading chapters. Things haven't been great here lately but regardless, onwards!

Shepard returned briefly to the Citadel for the celebration of Kaidan's Spectre induction. It was a far bigger event than her induction had been, not that she minded in the least. As the only other human spectre, Kaidan's fellow crewmate, as well as his friend, she was obligated to attend.

It was a formal event and most of the crowd were human, but a few scattered aliens mingled, mostly turians and asari.

Kaidan was stoic and professional throughout the ceremony, but Shepard knew that he found such vanities as tiresome as she did. As the Council was speaking their eyes met briefly and he raised his eyebrows at Shepard once, the only time he let on that he was overwhelmed, but the motion was missed by everyone but Shepard and Garrus.

Shepard had worn her dress blues for the occasion and was glad that she had Garrus to keep her company and help steer away people who wanted her opinion on no longer being the only human Spectre.

After the Council spoke and Kaidan officially accepted his appointment, waiters began to make rounds carrying various finger foods that accommodated the needs for every species present. The mingling continued and Shepard and Garrus found themselves a corner in which to talk.

"You know, I don't think this will ever be the place for either of us," Garrus said, looking with mild disgust at the wealthy dignitaries and politicians.

"I couldn't agree more," Shepard said, "This might be nice, but it feels inappropriate now. There's so much at stake."

Garrus turned to her and both understood that the other was thinking of their ruined worlds. It seemed so removed from the affluence of the upper classes on the Citadel, where war still seemed like just a rumor. But Shepard understood the need for hope.

Finally Kaidan appeared, popping up suddenly in front of the two. He shook Garrus' hand, then Shepard's. A few people were watching the two Spectres interact, so they had to keep it formal.

"I think I'll let you two be," Garrus said, tactfully stepping away.

"You know, Shepard," Kaidan said, "I was kind of hoping that I'd get to see you in a dress. But thanks for coming anyway."

"I wouldn't have missed it," Shepard said, "but unfortunately I can't stay long. I have to go, you know, save the galaxy…again."

Kaidan chuckled huskily, "Of course."

"You know, Kaidan, you could –" Shepard began, but she was abruptly cut off as a Turian diplomat walked up, throwing an arm companionably around Kaidan's shoulders, his Asari mistress in tow. Both had clearly been drinking.

"Spectre Alenko! You humans are really movin' up, huh?" The Turian slurred.

Shepard smirked. Before she could be recognized she slipped away, seeking out the inevitably uncomfortable Garrus.

She found him lurking near a table of food, impassively watching passerby.

"Come on, Garrus, let's go," Shepard said.

Garrus' mandibles twitched, "Are you done with the Major already? Surely you two have more to talk about."

"Very funny, Garrus. Let's get out of here before they start dancing or something."

"Oh yes, Shepard, we have to make sure to get you out of here before that happens," Garrus said, "You might just make them change their minds about humans being allowed to be Spectres after all."

Shepard scoffed and the two headed back toward the Normandy. They were almost onboard when they heard footsteps trotting up behind them.

"Shepard!" Kaidan called as he caught up to them.

"I just wanted to say goodnight," he said, standing straight, "Thanks for coming. Both of you. Good luck and…stay safe. As safe as you can."

"You're welcome, Kaidan. It was good to see you, and congratulations," Garrus said, turning toward the ship, leaving the two alone again.

Shepard felt slightly guilty that Garrus had been playing this game all night – making himself scarce for their sake. He wouldn't even give her too much grief for it later.

"Where are you headed next?" Kaidan asked.

"Everywhere...I'm busy playing the middle man between some pretty unhappy Krogan and Turians right now," she shook her head, "Tuchanka's probably my next stop. So at least I'll get some scenic views…rubble here, some more rubble there…"

"Well, I think you might find that view in a lot of places right now," Kaidan grimaced.

The mood shifted, becoming somber. Shepard thought of Kaidan's parents, but decided not to ask. It wasn't the time.

"Come on, Kaidan. It's a celebration tonight, all about you. I'm not here to bring you down. My offer still stands for you to join me on the Normandy, you know."

"I still have some business here. I'm trying every contact I have here to find my students. After that…we'll see where it goes. We both have plenty on our plates right now."

Shepard realized that she was exhausted. Spending a few hours away from running nonstop had let her body catch up, realizing that it had been terribly deprived of sleep. Shepard's state didn't go unnoticed by Kaidan. She seemed composed, as usual, but there were darker shadows under her eyes than he had seen yet.

"Go get some sleep, Shepard. You need some rest before you go kick some more ass. I'm sure I'm expected back at the party anyway."

"Yeah…I'll try. I feel like I'm wasting time if I sleep. What if I miss something? What if I take a nap and the Reapers destroy someone's home world?"

Before she could continue, Kaidan rushed forward and grabbed her up in a swift, strong hug.

"You can't take all the weight on yourself," he murmured, "You have to take care of yourself this time."

He released her and stepped back.

"Come back and visit whenever you can, but don't let it stress you more. I'll be here," Kaidan said.

"Okay, Kaidan. Thank you. Congratulations, again."

"Goodnight, Shepard."

"Goodnight, Kaidan," she yawned, then turned and boarded the Normandy. She managed to remain upright and composed as she passed the crew, but as soon as she reached her head began to swim and she collapsed in her bed, falling into a deep and heavy sleep in which she was haunted by vivid dreams, haunted by so many things that had happened in the past few weeks.

She woke up a few hours later, entangled in sheets damp from sweat. She took the few steps to the shower and stood under it, trying to wash away the dream that had shaken her awake.

By the time she stepped out she was Commander Shepard again, fears and doubts stashed away in a compartment that very few could see.


	17. Citadel and Return to the Normandy

It was far longer than planned before Shepard was able to make it back to the Citadel. She tried not to think about how much she had accomplished in the time since her last visit. What mattered was what lay ahead.

Finally, she received a concerned message from the Salarian councilor saying that Udina had been moving large sums of money and had been acting suspiciously. The councilor asked Shepard to investigate it as soon as possible.

Shepard told Joker that they would wait to go to the Citadel, but a slight unease settled in her chest. She had matters she had to deal with that were more immediately pressing, but she hoped she was making the right choice.

Shepard had never trusted Udina and wouldn't be surprised if he were in some way corrupt. Hopefully it didn't mean anyone was actually getting hurt.

Finally they found the time to visit the Citadel. The Commander was glad she had waited to visit the Citadel – specifically in order to evacuate Grissom Academy. Kids, no matter how gifted, were just kids and the situation had been dire.

They drew near the Citadel and Shepard's unease quickly solidified when there was no response to their request for docking clearance.

"Dock anyway, Joker. Something's not right," she said.

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

The situation was worse than she could have foreseen. As they docked a familiar voice came over the radio.

Thane's voice sounded especially raspy as he warned them that Cerberus had infiltrated the Citadel and had gained control of C-Sec

Shepard took a second to worry about Thane's clearly declining state, but then quickly shut it out of her mind. She would deal with that later.

"Damn it," she murmured, "Garrus, James, let's go. Thane's gone ahead of us, but he can't last too long alone."

The two men nodded as all three hastily put on their armor and set off toward the airlock.

'_Kaidan_,' Shepard thought as she ran, '_Please be safe_.'

Kaidan had been about to report for duty when he heard the first shots. He had sprinted toward the sound, but once he caught a glimpse of the sheer number of the attackers he backed off. He stood behind a wall and peeked around.

His eyes took quickly scanned the nearest soldiers for information and immediately honed into a key detail.

Cerberus.

"Shit," he whispered to himself. If he tried an assault on his own it would be a waste. Hating leaving Cerberus to move in unencumbered, he turned and sprinted toward Citadel Tower, stopping only to grab his armor. He was stepping into it as he ran.

On the way, he passed a small group of Cerberus soldiers that were closing in on a pair of C-Sec officers.

Kaidan ran up behind the group and sent them flying into a wall with a quick biotic blast. There was a loud crack and the soldiers crumpled on the floor. Kaidan felt little sympathy.

"Are you okay?" he asked the officers. They nodded slowly, though they were clearly injured.

"Get out of here while you can," he instructed, "There are a lot more on the way."

Without waiting around to see what they did, he turned and struck off again for the Council, whom he knew generally overestimated their own safety.

Luckily, he was ahead most of the Cerberus infiltrators, but he could hear explosions and gunfire nonstop behind him. He had to fight his way through a few small groups, but he managed to take most of them down without difficulty.

By the time he reached the Council he had a few minor injuries, but was still completely functional. Udina, the Asari Councilor, and the Turian Councilor were all holed up in a room nearby, unarmed and all but quivering. The Salarian Councilor was nowhere in sight.

It took some convincing to get them to leave the room, but he finally convinced them to leave by promising to help them escape. He could locate a shuttle and evacuate them if they would only follow him.

Udina remained uncharacteristically silent, but Kaidan assumed it was just fear. The man didn't seem to operate well outside of the political realm.

Kaidan finally got them moving and he constantly swept their path with his gun ready.

He herded the Councilors into an elevator to the Presidium Commons, knowing a functional shuttle was parked there.

The elevator was just getting moving when a loud crash sounded on top of it. Something had hit the roof.

"What was that noise?" the Asari Councilor asked, panicked.

They heard scrabbling from up top.

"Gunman, get down!" Kaidan shouted, putting several rounds through the roof of the car.

As the elevator reached its destination, Udina slammed his hand onto the door release. It opened immediately and the three Councilors sprinted out.

Kaidan faced the elevator, gun drawn, waiting for someone to emerge. When no one did, he sprinted toward the Councilors.

His stomach dropped. The shuttle he had been relying on was in flames and they were in a dead end. Returning to the elevator was their only option to escape.

"Move!" Kaidan shouted at the Councilors, but a noise from the elevator caught his attention. He whipped around.

Shepard, Garrus, and James stood together at the door, panting and sweating, guns at the ready.

'_It can't be_,' he thought, but his fears grew as James destroyed the elevator door release, effectively trapping them there.

"Shepard, what's going on?" he shouted, but he lowered his gun. He heard the Asari Councilor grumble behind him.

Before Shepard could respond Udina interjected, "Shepard's blocking our escape. She's with Cerberus!"

Kaidan's old fears threatened to rise to the surface. He hesitantly drew his gun, pointing it at the woman he loved.

"Just hold on! I got this," he yelled at the Councilors, stepping between them and Shepard's party. His stomach was twisting nonstop. He had to keep her talking. He had to know for sure.

"Kaidan, I can explain this," Shepard said calmly, but her gun remained pointed in his direction.

Her heart was beating hard, and she imagined the sound echoing off of her armor. She felt the tension of Garrus at her side. The Turian wouldn't hesitate for long.

"Come on, Shepard…gun drawn on a Councilor…kinda looks bad," Kaidan said, backing up.

Garrus and James steadied their weapons, James' trained on Udina and Garrus' trained on him. Kaidan steeled himself as his mind ripped in two. His duty to his career, to protecting the people he was assigned to guard? Or his duty to the woman he loved? He tried to keep his voice reasonable, but it shook.

Suddenly Shepard lowered her weapon and put her arms out in front of the two men at her sides. Kaidan breathed out heavily. In that instant he knew that he couldn't pull the trigger, no matter what. She had left herself so exposed to him, trusting him. He felt like a fool for doubting her for so long, but his arms remained stiffly pointed in her direction.

"We don't have time to negotiate. You've been fooled, all of you," she stared Kaidan down, "Udina's behind this attack. The Salarian Councilor confirmed it. He's the one who called me here in the first place."

"Please," Udina scoffed, sounding pompous, "You have no proof. You never do."

Kaidan cringed at the man's voice. Even now Udina sounded slippery, false. Had Kaidan been about to help the man behind this destruction to escape? Or was Shepard playing him, finally revealing the purpose for which Cerberus had recreated her?

"You need proof? There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door they'll kill you all," Shepard said, disgusted.

Kaidan looked in her eyes. There he saw the fierce determination and an underlying panic, but no deception. The Shepard he knew wasn't a liar. And he realized that he had decided a while ago that yes, this was _his_ Shepard.

"Mistrusting Shepard before was a mistake," the Asari Councilor said behind him, "She saved our lives. She tried to warn us."

"We're wasting time debating this. We're dead if we stay here. I'm overriding the lock," Udina said, striding toward the control panel.

"I hope I don't regret this," Kaidan whispered to Shepard. Their eyes locked again as Kaidan lowered his gun and turned around.

Udina was furiously running his hands over the control panel, his face twisted with something other than fear.

Kaidan slowly stepped toward him, gesturing with his arm for the other Councilors to get behind him. He glanced at Shepard's team, all of whom now had their guns trained on Udina.

"Udina, step away from the console," Kaidan said, raising his pistol.

"To hell with this!" Udina said, only sparing Kaidan a brief glance.

Before Kaidan could stop her, the Asari Councilor rushed forward and grabbed Udina's arm. Udina swatted the Asari away, shoving her to the ground. As the Asari was falling, Udina's hand reached into his coat.

"Shit!" Kaidan said, "He's got a gun!"

Udina whipped the gun out and pointed it at the Asari Councilor's head. The Asari whimpered and raised her hand as Udina's finger slipped to the trigger.

Kaidan acted instantly, pulling his own trigger before his mind could even completely register the action.

Udina crumpled on the ground and the Turian Councilor rushed forward, extending his arm to the Asari.

Kaidan stood stock-still, his eyes wide. His first real act as a Spectre…Just like that…

He blinked slowly, dropped his arms, and stepped forward to look at Udina's body. Was Udina really dead? Did he want Udina to be dead?

Yes. He realized he did. A sense of calm came over him. He wondered if this was how Shepard always felt when she had to make such calls.

Shepard hesitantly stepped up behind him, knowing better than to touch him.

"Kaidan…"

"Yeah…I'm good," Kaidan said, "Thank you…for saving me from making the wrong choice."

Just then sparks began to fly from the elevator door. The Councilors backed away quickly, and James, Kaidan, Shepard, and Garrus all moved in.

As the doors opened, Commander Bailey came spilling out. Uninitiated, he confirmed Shepard's story. Kaidan's nerves were still humming, his body feeling electrified. He was shaking slightly, but he tried to flex his muscles to keep it contained.

Shepard, Bailey, and the Councilors discussed what had happened and the possible motives for the attack, but Kaidan stayed silently in the background. Bailey ordered everyone else out. Shepard gave him a compassionate look on her way past, but he stayed to explain to Bailey what had happened.

Kaidan was immensely surprised when, barely a few hours later, he was free to go – unscathed and without marks on his record. The Councilors were so grateful to him for (as they saw) saving their lives that they offered him commendations but not a single punishment.

He received a call from Hackett not long after. It was amazing how quickly news traveled, even with the Reapers interrupting communication everywhere. Hackett offered him a position directly at his side, but Kaidan hesitated. He knew what he wanted.

"I want to be on the front lines, sir," Kaidan said, "but I think there may be an option better suited to me. Can I have a little time to decide?"

Hackett was taken aback, but kept his voice cavalier, "Yes, Major, but don't take too long. None of us know how much time we have right now. Hackett out."

Kaidan needed some time alone. Even though he knew he had done the right thing, he had killed a man he had known for years. Nevertheless, he couldn't take too much time. He had something he had to do right now.

He hoped he wasn't too late. From the Citadel Tower he walked quickly toward the elevator. That was taking too long and before he knew it he was jogging.

When he reached the elevator he quickly punched in D24. He tapped his leg at first, then forced himself to stand still for the rest of the short journey. The elevator stopped a few times – people loading in and out, some looking exhausted as they hauled supplies to repair Cerberus' damage.

Finally the elevator reached Docking Bay D24 and Kaidan sprang out, jogging the short distance to where he knew the Normandy usually docked. He hoped beyond hope…and then he caught side of the curved end. She was still here.

He couldn't board without proper clearance, and even if he could it would seem invasive in some way, so he called Joker over his omni-tool.

"Joker, is Shepard onboard yet?"

"Hello to you, too, Kaidan," Joker said, "And no, she's not. She had something she had to do before we could leave…but I imagine it won't take too long."

Kaidan heard how solemnly Joker said the last, but he knew better than to ask the pilot. He would rather hear it from Shepard.

"Thanks, Joker," he said, hanging up.

Kaidan crossed his arms and leaned his back against a beam in the wall outside the Normandy's airlock. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, running the past few hours through his mind.

Eventually he heard the hiss of the door opening. He leaned his head back down and saw Shepard staring back at him.

"Kaidan," she said, "I was wondering where you went. How'd it go?"

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened," Kaidan said, arms still crossed.

"You sound angry," she said cautiously.

"No," he said, "not angry. It's just…not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you love."

There. It was the first time he'd said it in two years…at least, not in the past tense. He hadn't intended to say it like this, but he knew that he meant it. If he ever found himself in that situation again with her, which he desperately hoped never happened, she needed to know. But he quickly moved on.

"How it all went down, it's got me…I don't know," he continued.

"Okay. Talk to me. Let's have it," Shepard said, expecting him to berate her again. Did he think she had somehow had some connection to Cerberus getting in, even now? Was this going to be a repeat of Mars?

"If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like you would've taken me out," he said, gauging her reaction.

"I trusted you, and I knew you'd come around. That's all the matters," she said, "Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

Kaidan supposed he had put her in this position…she was hesitant to really open up to him again. She was trying to stick to business.

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard," he pushed, then turned to look out the window, "Later, when you have to live with yourself. Knowing that you acted with integrity, then it matters."

He was thinking about so much in that moment…leaving Shepard on the first Normandy, Virmire, how he had treated her on Horizon and after, what had happened with Vyrrnus, and of course the events of the day. Every big decision he had made where he had felt some doubt had been running through his head.

"You're talking about Udina. You think he would have come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice. You had to take the shot. You acted with integrity, like you always do. I saw the whole thing. And, Kaidan, if you hadn't taken the shot, one of us would have. It had to happen. I guess now the Council owes both of us."

"All right. Thanks. I guess I needed to hear that from you," he said, trying to shut the rest of his doubts out.

He turned around to look at her again, needing to tell her the reason he had raced down here, "Look, Shepard, there's another reason I'm here. Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there were a chance to join you on the Normandy again. It would be like old times…Just like you've been telling me."

"I couldn't imagine joining meeting the Reapers without you," she replied, "You've been there longer than anyone."

"Thank you, Commander," he said, shaking her hand. He wanted to pick her up in a hug and spin her around…but he knew that she would hate that. It had been a long day.

"I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back," he said.

"Good to know," she said, smiling warmly at him, then, again, for the sake of any onlookers, returned to her military façade, "Welcome aboard, Major." As she said it, though, she couldn't help but smirk. She still had the same crooked smile that he loved.

"Aye, aye, ma'am," he said, then turned to walk onto the ship. He would set out later for the few belongings he had to bring aboard, but first he wanted to make his way around the ship and see how things were running.

Shepard followed behind him, and he wondered why she didn't just catch up.

But Shepard was otherwise occupied. She watched as Kaidan walked away, eyes sliding over his muscular shoulders, down the defined muscles of his back, to the rest of his…assets.

She was unbearably glad to have him joining her on the ship again, '_Plus,'_ she thought to herself, '_This will certainly improve the view.'_

With a smirk, she followed Kaidan aboard.


	18. Settling In

The new Normandy was huge, elegant, and constantly bustling with a large crew. Kaidan had only seen it in between Earth and Mars, at which point it had been running with only the few who had taken refuge there.

One of the biggest surprises he had gotten had come when he saw the gynoid that had almost killed him stroll out of the bridge.

His heart started pounding and he felt his biotics immediately begin to hum over his body.

"Shit!" he cried.

Several crew members looked up, confused.

"Kaidan, wait!" Joker shouted, hobbling up from his seat to stand next to the robot.

"What the hell is this thing doing here?" Kaidan hissed, taking a step back.

"Well…Shepard brought it back here to see if we could extract the data and…well, EDI commandeered it."

"EDI? The ship AI?" Kaidan asked. This was ridiculous.

"If I may, Jeff," the android said, "It is nice to meet you, Major Alenko. I am sorry if I caused you any discomfort. I took control of this body in order to provide assistance to Commander Shepard on the ground."

Kaidan stood staring. Shepard certainly had a knack for collecting strange teammates.

Joker was glaring at him defensively. Why was he so protective of this piece of metal? Then Kaidan took a breath to calm himself and actually looked at the android's body for the first time. '_Oh, that's why_,' he thought.

"Well, it's uh, nice to meet you too, EDI," Kaidan said hesitantly, "I just wish someone had forewarned me."

"Yeah…sorry about that," Joker said, not sounding sorry in the least.

All three stood looking at each other for a minute, EDI the only one who seemed oblivious to the discomfort.

"Well…I'll come back later," Kaidan said, shuffling away, heart still pounding.

Kaidan quickly settled into the observation deck. He enjoyed the constant view of the stars, even if it gave no indication of what he considered night or day. He had spent enough time on ships in his lifetime that he had learned to deal with it, but he still missed it.

The idea of never seeing another sunrise from his porch was one of those small things that ate away at him and gave him a reason to keep fighting.

He and Shepard were obviously both incredibly busy. The most free time they had was while they were traveling from one mission to another – and even then, a fair amount of time was spent on writing reports, planning, and preparing. But they did it all together.

Since Shepard was the CO on the ship, she was able to set the schedule so that she and Kaidan worked the same shifts. Unless something was specifically needed, they were able to eat meals together and get off to go to bed at the same time – though Kaidan insistently went to sleep in the observation deck every night.

Shepard would occasionally try to convince him to come up to her cabin with him, but he always politely declined. He still had some sorting through to do in his mind. Plus, there was plenty riding on Shepard's reputation right now that he didn't want to compromise.

He had been disheartened to hear that Thane had died, but extremely glad to hear that Shepard and his son had been with him in his final moments. In the little time that he had known him, Kaidan had grown fond of the Drell, impressed by his calm demeanor and his strict morality.

When Shepard told him about it, he had caught the brief sheen of tears in her eyes. He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead once, briefly.

There were plenty of times where the two could not be together because of their numerous obligations. Though Kaidan was generally fairly introverted, his familiarity with some of the crew drew him out a little when he might have otherwise been satisfied staying alone. Garrus, Liara, and Tali were always willing to talk. He often caught Garrus and Tali together, and he had suspicions that they were playing a game similar to him and Shepard, but he never said a word. Just like they had done for him.

James was too gregarious to leave Kaidan alone, but Kaidan didn't really mind. For how muscular Kaidan was, the Lieutenant made him look small in comparison, but Kaidan wasn't intimidated in the least. Nevertheless, Kaidan had initially been taken aback by the flirtatious attitude between James and Shepard, but Shepard turned and smirked at Kaidan behind James' back after one particularly provocative comment.

One day as they were cleaning guns together, along with Steve Cortez, Kaidan was working fairly quietly, chuckling occasionally at the banter between the other two men.

Finally, Kaidan spoke up when the conversation reached a lull.

"So, Lieutenant, what's with the whole Lola thing?" he asked, "You know it's not her name, right?"

Vega looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"She reminds me of someone, is all," he said, "My best friend's big sister – definitely badass, hot as hell, but definitely untouchable."

Kaidan was slightly taken aback at the other man's honesty, but he couldn't disagree with the assessment. It sounded precisely like his initial impression of the woman.

"Sorry, Major, I call it like it is," James continued, "But I guess that last bit ain't so true for you, right?"

Cortez was reassembling a pistol, listening silently into the conversation, but he decided it was time to interrupt. He knew James loved making people uncomfortable, but he didn't know the Major well enough to predict how he would take the teasing.

"Come on, Vega, don't bother him," Cortez said.

Kaidan took them by surprise by chuckling gruffly.

"You know, I'm starting to feel like we were the worst-kept secret in the universe," he said.

"Galaxy, maybe," James said, "Don't give yourself too much credit. So what happened? Are you two still a thing? I notice you used the past tense there."

Kaidan's face hardened a little.

"I'm trying to figure that out."

"You know, I dunno if I need to say this, but all that flirting is just show. I don't have any intentions there. I dunno if you've noticed but there aren't too many women around here, and I'll be damned if there are any that can fill out a uniform like the Commander," James said.

"Watch yourself," Kaidan said. He was only half joking. He had had to deal with other men ogling Shepard constantly since before he had actually met her. Kaidan wasn't a jealous or possessive man by nature, but the fact that he and Shepard were still somewhat unsure of where they stood left him suddenly feeling the tiniest tinge of jealousy.

He decided it was time to amend that.

Shepard was currently away, so he decided to settle for sending her a message inviting her to lunch the next time they were on the Citadel. Knowing that she would inevitably accept provided him a kind of calm. All he had to do now was wait.


	19. Apollo's and After

A/N: Phew! Thank you for the reviews, follows, favorites, etc. Sorry for the delay.

Shepard checked her messages religiously – partially because an important way to get information on both new and completed missions, but she mostly checked it for the occasional personal letter of gratitude that slipped through.

Hearing from those whom she had saved reminded her in no uncertain terms what she was fighting for. People, no matter what species, race, or affiliation, were worth saving. Shepard so often had to think about things on the big scale – literally deciding the fates of entire planets.

It kept her in perspective to see the effect she had on individual people.

She noticed that a number of her crew had sent her messages regarding outings during their next Citadel trip. They must be itching for a slight break – to stretch their legs a little. She thought of the growing number of items the Normandy was carrying, all of which were waiting to be delivered to various persons on the Citadel.

She wasn't particularly surprised to see one such message from Kaidan, inviting her to lunch at Apollo's Café. He had seemed slightly off lately but she hadn't had enough time to sit and talk with him for more than a few minutes, and their time alone was all but nonexistent.

Shepard quickly replied to each request, then told EDI to set a course for the Citadel, turned off her console and stumbled the few feet to her bed and collapsed, more exhausted than she thought humanly possible.

Within a few hours they had reached the Citadel. Shepard checked her omni-tool for the time. She still had plenty of time before she was supposed to meet Kaidan…but as she walked, she overheard two Turians in a frantic conversation about data that had been lost in the Silean Nebula. Shepard stopped to ask if they had more details, unable to resist trying to help.

She kept it brief, but quickly ran into a small herd of people with questions for her. When she managed to shake them off, a reporter stormed in front of her, blocking her way…

Kaidan sat, at ease at a table in the Presidium Commons. He lazily flipped through a datapad, only skimming the information in front of him. He only glanced at the time twice, already expecting Shepard to be late and decidedly unconcerned. She would come.

Finally he looked up to see her walking hastily toward him, looking slightly harassed. Her mouth broke out in a reserved version of the crooked smile that he loved so much. She quickly slid into the seat next to him.

"Sorry," she said, "I got stop-"

"Don't worry about it," Kaidan said, "I know how it is."

He pulled out a menu and flipped through it, and the two made brief small talk about the availability of their favorite foods. Being biotics meant that both had to live by what would otherwise be gluttonous standards because their bodies used such large amounts of energy.

"I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check," Kaidan said, looking out over the Commons.

"Things have been pretty crazy," Shepard said, trying to sound lighthearted.

Kaidan turned to look at her, shifting his whole body in her direction. In this light he realized for the first time how bloodshot her eyes were, and how dark the shadows underneath them had become. His eyes quickly traced her body and he noticed that she had lost weight. '_She's probably been too busy saving everyone else to remember to feed herself_,' he thought.

His eyes burned into hers as he said, "You know, my whole life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars – and there weren't enough moments like this with people I care about. When I realized I might die…and how I'd been treating you…"

Shepard furrowed her eyebrows, determined to move on. "But how are you feeling these days?"

"Honestly, feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me. And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax. You know you're allowed to do that too, right?"

"It doesn't always feel like it, but I think it's time for us to have a heart-to-heart," she said, leaning suggestively over the table, "So what are you drinking?" She waggled her eyebrows at him.

Kaidan chuckled hoarsely. "If you're trying to butter me up, it might take a nice steak sandwich, too."

Shepard rolled her eyes, "So you're drinking…"

"Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"

Shepard pretended to flip through the menu, but knew that they wouldn't have any such thing. It was a moment in which the implications of the war were felt acutely. So many small pieces of humanity had been erased in a matter of hours.

Nevertheless, she was determined to keep this a happy moment. They were finally taking a second to breathe.

"They're more likely to have Batarian shard wine," she said, grimacing cartoonishly.

Kaidan laughed again. Shepard couldn't help but notice that he was much more at ease with himself than he used to be.

"At my parents' house in Vancouver…drank more than a few beers on their balcony looking over English Bay. Yeah, it was a beautiful view…I'd hate to think…You know what, though? I feel good about our chances," he said, trying to sound confident.

"Yeah?" Shepard asked cautiously.

"Yeah," Kaidan said, "It lets me sleep better at night."

"You not sleeping, Kaidan?"

Kaidan looked at the table, "Yeah…maybe a little restless. But this war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night…I wonder about us."

"Us?" Shepard asked, somewhat surprised to hear Kaidan refer to them that way.

Kaidan looked up at her, his face filled with resolve.

"I love you, Shepard. I always have. I want to understand what this is between us…and make it real," he looked down and exhaled, "That's what I want. What do you want?"

He knew Shepard's first commitment would always be to her duty, to which the entire galaxy probably owed its collective life. He didn't want to create even more stress from her by asking for a clear commitment – but he had always regretted that he hadn't had a chance two years before.

"I can't bury what I feel for you anymore. And I don't want to," Shepard said, eyes blazing.

Kaidan's heart had been beating fairly hard in his chest, but now it leapt. He leaned forward and took her hand, pressing it to his cheek and leaning in close.

"And that…makes me so happy," he said, "and there are benefits to that happiness…"

He trailed off, looking her intently in the eyes. He closed his eyes and gently pressed his lips to her palm, allowing his breath to tease at her wrist. He felt goosebumps rise there.

Then he laughed and dropped her hand and said, "But more on that later…"

"Later?! We need to get back to the Normandy, ASAP," Shepard said. He could tell that though she seemed to be joking, her intent was serious. He felt an intense shiver ripple through his body.

"Ah, yeah, too late. Our drinks are here, and I'm gonna take my time," Kaidan said, grateful for the waiter's timing.

"What'd you call it? A sanity check?" Shepard asked, leaning back and crossing her arms, "I'm not sure that's what I'd call it right now…You have no idea…"

"Mm…sanity check…" Kaidan said, cutting her off.

Kaidan sat back with his drink, savoring the tension that was building up between them. During the past two years he hadn't admitted to himself that he had been actively waiting for her, but he hadn't been with another woman physically since her (not for their lack of trying).

His desire for her was paired with his desire not to rush things, but he could see that Shepard was legitimately antsy to get back to the ship and reclaim him as hers.

"So, I've been wondering," Kaidan said, "You were 29 two years ago. How old are you now? When do you start counting birthdays again? Are you 29? 31? 2? I'm 34. What I really want to know is…how much am I gonna be robbing the cradle here?"

Shepard snorted.

"Kaidan, for you…I'm definitely 2."

"Damn," Kaidan said, smiling broadly.

They slowly made it through one more drink each, sipping in between conversation. They toyed with each other, and tried to one-up each other with stories from their time apart.

When the pair got back to the Normandy, they were bogged down by duties, constantly interrupted by other crew members.

Shepard spent the next few hours purposefully teasing Kaidan as revenge for making her wait, but the game was further complicated by the fact that they still had to hide their intentions from the crew.

She purposefully passed close to him when she could, invading his personal space, and she made sure to provide him with a few choice views as she bent to grab objects.

She was enjoying testing his impeccable self control.

That night, after their shifts were over and the skeleton crew took over for the night, Shepard disappeared up to her cabin. Not long after, she heard her door hiss open and smirked. Kaidan strolled in, dressed down in a plain grey t-shirt and black sweatpants.

Shepard couldn't help but notice the difference between now and the first time he had come to visit her cabin. Now, Kaidan came in with his chin up, confident and smiling warmly. He betrayed no signs of being anxious.

Immediately, Shepard stood up, but before she could say anything, Kaidan swept toward her. He grasped his hands on the small of her back, pulling her toward him and passionately kissing her. Their lips melted together.

As Shepard ran her hands over Kaidan's arms and back she noticed the extent to which Kaidan had grown more muscular over the past two years. Though his arms had always been firm, new curves of muscle had formed that pushed against her fingertips. Aging was certainly being kind to him.

Kaidan immediately began to undo Shepard's clothing, kissing down her neck. He was almost disappointed to see that many of the scars that he had come to love were absent, another reminder that Shepard's body had been reconstructed. He pushed the thought out of his mind.

"We've wasted too much time," he murmured against her skin, "I've missed you."

Unlike two years previously, Kaidan was completely confident in his self control. He allowed his biotics a little freedom, letting the blue glow crackle over his skin. Shepard gasped. The energy made every touch more electric. She debated attempting to use her biotics in the same way, but she was afraid that her specific type would be too brutish.

They had both grown stronger over the past two years. Kaidan again reigned his biotics in a little, kissing his way down her body, taking in the lean muscles as he went.

Finally he made his way back up her body, wrapping his arms around her. As they joined together again, Kaidan felt the breath rush out of his body. He had been waiting for this for so long, and he knew that this was all he could want for the rest of his life – whether that meant a matter of days or any number of years.

Shepard gasped. She hadn't considered it before, but this was the first time her new body had experienced this feeling. Every touch was felt infinitely more intense than she remembered. Every movement rocketed its way through her body, filling its way out through every nerve ending.

Kaidan could have argued the feeling was just as deep for him.

After they finished, Kaidan kissed her forehead, gently tucking her hair behind her ear.

"So, Major, who's abusing his power as a superior officer now?" Shepard jabbed her finger into his side.

Kaidan chuckled huskily, "Well, I guess we're even, huh?"

"Come on, Kaidan, let's get some sleep. I hate to say I'm going to have to kick you out before first shift starts in the morning."

"Shepard, just…one more thing. I don't want to hide this anymore. If this is really it, I don't want to regret in my last seconds that I held back because of some regulations. Plus…I think everyone knows about it anyway."

"You know, Kaidan, I think you have the right idea there," she said sleepily, "But I'm still kicking you out in the morning. Just for now."

Kaidan smiled and kissed her on the nose, loving the smattering of freckles that stretched just from cheek to cheek that was barely visible in the dark.

She rolled over, scooting as close possible into him. He laid his arm over her waist, taking in the feel of her naked body one last time before kissing the back of her neck and closing his eyes, even more content than he had been in this same position two years before.

Joker and James were sitting in the mess hall before beginning their shifts, with EDI sitting alongside and observing the conversation. The two men were ragging on each other as James tried to convince Joker to go in for another round of poker with him.

Joker stopped mid-sentence as he heard the slight scrape of the elevator coming down from the Commander's quarters, ready to make a snarky remark to Shepard. He knew Shepard hadn't been sleeping much lately and had been wandering the ship in her off time.

James laughed loudly as he saw Kaidan step off the elevator and head toward Starboard Observation where he had set up camp. Kaidan glanced over, startled.

"Get it, Alenko!" James shouted.

Kaidan smiled and silently shuffled off to his room, shaking his head slightly.

"James, please explain. To what are you referring?" EDI asked, looking at the Lieutenant.

"Uhhh…" James rubbed the back of his neck, "Well, you see, EDI, I guess the Major and Shepard…well, it's clear they had a history…but it seems that they're…catching up."

"Are you referring to intercourse?" EDI asked, "Because this is an activity in which I have indeed recently observed them."

James looked at Joker, who shook his head.

"Remind me that the ship is watching the next time I take a shower, eh Joker?" James half-joked.

EDI sat expectantly.

"Yeah, EDI…well, that is what we mean, but you should keep that quiet, okay?" Joker said nervously. He clearly knew that the two had been together before, but he didn't want to cause any real trouble for them.

"So EDI, do you really see everything that happens on the ship?" James asked before EDI could begin on a series of questions about why.

"Yes," EDI replied, "If you are wondering whether anyone knows about your – "

"Naw, EDI, I'm good," James said, laughing heartily, "I'm gonna go do some work. Be good, you two."

He walked away, cracking his neck as he went.

For how much they both played, he knew that both he and Joker were honestly glad for the Commander. They had been watching her being stretched thinner and thinner, even though she would never admit it. She needed someone better than either of them, and he was finally really back.


	20. Missions and Monsters

**CHAPTER 20**

A/N: Jeeze. I never intended for this to turn out so long – or to take so long between updates. Due to certain things in my life right now it's hard to find much romantic inspiration. This story's nearing the home stretch, though! Kind of…

I'll also throw in a random disclaimer. Bioware and EA own everything and I own nothing but student loans.

Their missions continued on as…well, one couldn't say "as usual" because they were anything but usual for anyone other than Shepard.

They had managed to cure the Krogan genophage and foster a peace between the Quarians and the Geth – both things that still seemed unfathomable – more the stuff of legends than of fact. But Kaidan realized that that was Shepard in a nutshell.

These victories came with a price though – the lives of two beings that he knew Shepard cared about deeply. Mordin Solus, the Salarian doctor who everyone had regarded with a mix of reverence and amusement, and Legion, the puzzling Geth who, Shepard said, had spanned become a fully realized individual only to immediately sacrifice itself.

They were laying in bed when she told him this last, and her face was determinedly buried in his chest. He felt the dampness of the tears that she was trying to hide and squeezed her tighter, muscular arms placed at her shoulders and lower back.

Somehow they had also managed fairly early on to pick up a living Prothean, a strange addition even for Shepard.

Kaidan's interaction with Javik was limited and he knew better than to try to force it. The Prothean rarely left his room, and if he did he stayed on the periphery, observing silently.

A few times Kaidan caught Javik staring in his direction quizzically, and Kaidan would give him a small nod. Javik, unphased, would continue to stare.

One day, as Shepard was headed downward through the ship, she decided to stop in to check on Javik.

"I've been studying the ship, its crew. There was a Normandy before this one. You died in an attack," Javik said.

"Yeah, something like that," Shepard said. It was amazing how easily people talked about her death. She supposed if she were more sensitive she might find it inconsiderate.

"But then you were resurrected to fight the Reapers," Javik said. She could see where he was going.

"Maybe you and I have a thing or two in common," Shepard said, smiling slightly.

"But you have something else. The reasons you fight are still alive. The friendships of the people around you…and more. You and the human soldier are…joined?" Javik asked, tilting his head slightly to glance at Shepard.

She sighed, "Yeah. You could say that."

"I'm not. Your pheromones are."

She had accepted that everyone knew about her relationship with Kaidan, but the idea that the Prothean's extra senses had let him experience some sort of the sensations that she and Kaidan had shared – not to mention that he could read their physiology.

"Is this why you continue to fight?" Javik asked.

"All I have in my life is death. And that's not enough."

"I have watched this soldier. I have watched the entire crew. When you are around they are…different. They would follow you even if it meant their death."

"Some of them have," Shepard said, looking at the floor.

"This is the cost of being a soldier," Javik said, "but your human would be the first in line to sacrifice himself for you, even though that line is very long. He seems to feel he has failed you in the past."

Shepard's discomfort finally began to show. "You got all this just from watching the crew?"

Javik turned around. "I am a very good observer."

Shepard could tell that the conversation was over, so she sighed slightly. "See you later, Javik."

He responded with only a barely perceptible not, and she left without another word.

Kaidan and Shepard had indeed given up on trying to hide their relationship. They never let it interfere with the task at hand, but the crew quickly became accustomed to Kaidan and Shepard arriving together in the morning or occasionally allowing themselves a quick, chaste kiss.

They all knew that no one would report it – they were doing some of the most vital work to the survival of the galaxy, and several of the crew were seeking each other for comfort as well. The possible end of days certainly put things in perspective.

A strange request arrived from Admiral Hackett one morning that led the Normandy to the lab of Dr. Garret Bryson on the Citadel. Dr. Bryson described a creature he had been attempting to track that had managed to kill a Reaper.

'_What could kill a Reaper on its own?_' Kaidan wondered. This was beginning to feel like they were chasing a monster. Or maybe a Reaper that had left the rest of the species? Was that possible?

Kaidan was drawn out of his revelry when Bryson's assistant suddenly appeared, body staggering and jerking. He shot Bryson, then collapsed in a heap on the lab floor.

Though Shepard immediately called for medics, it was obvious to everyone that Bryson was beyond any help. As Hadley, the assistant, eventually came to, they began to question him.

He had no recollection of what had happened and seemed genuinely shocked to find out what had happened to Bryson. He collapsed into tears. Hadley described a voice in his head and Kaidan looked meaningfully at Shepard. Indoctrination was on both of their minds.

They finally discovered that Dr. Bryson had a daughter who could provide some insight, though they had to evacuate her from a planet engulfed in Reaper forces. Ann Bryson quickly overcame her sadness that she had lost her father, filling herself with an honorable determination.

She described the brief feeling of indoctrination she had experienced on the planet's surface – explaining that it seemed to originate from the artifact that had supposedly come from the Leviathan. She closed her eyes and took a breath, volunteering to allow herself to be indoctrinated again so that they could attempt to trace the source of the communication signals.

Shepard hesitantly agreed, though with the disclaimer that she would again draw up the barriers around the artifact if Ann seemed to be in any real danger.

As soon as they dropped the barriers surrounding the object, Ann Bryson's head rolled back on her shoulders.

"The darkness must not be breached," she said in a deep, roaring voice, head rolling forward to face them. She kept repeating this as EDI quickly attempted to trace the signal. When both of her nostrils began to spew blood, Shepard demanded the artifact be cut off.

They had obtained enough information to greatly narrow down the search, and everyone agreed that that was good enough for now. Anything further was not worth risking the woman's life.

They scoured the lab for more clues to help them determine which planet was the one they wanted, finally narrowing it down to one location.

As they traveled, Kaidan again felt that they were chasing a monster – not unlike the rumors of the Loch Ness monster that still persisted on Earth, or any number of urban legends. The feel of the entire mission was eerie.

Finally, their net seemed to be closing in. As they descended to the planet that seemed to be their best hope for finding Leviathan, the shuttle lost control. The electronics and controls went haywire, sending it plummeting into the platform below.

As Shepard, Kaidan, Cortez, and Javik crawled out of the damaged shuttle, they realized how lucky they were not to have landed in the rolling sea.

The sky was blacked over and the grey water surged and pulsed menacingly. The platform they were on was open to the sea – one could simply walk right out. Rain pummeled them, plastering the humans' hair to their faces and making a constant din against the metal floor.

Javik proposed that the Normandy come to rescue them, but Cortez shook his head.

"The same thing would happen to her. Judging by that pulse, I'd say the Leviathan has some sort of defense system in place," he said.

At that moment, a rushing roar cut through the sounds of the storm and the group looked up to see a burning ball descending quickly. It was all too familiar – Reaper troops were right on their tail.

As the husks unfolded from the explosion and began sprinting hungrily toward them, Kaidan quickly shot them, knowing there were more on the way.

"It looks like we aren't getting out of here until we find it. So how do we do that?" Shepard asked Cortez, blinking the water out of her eyes.

"Well…you might be able to use a mech. Looks like it's rigged for diving," Cortez suggested.

Kaidan tried to listen to their conversation, but more Reaper forces had appeared and he and Javik had to buy Shepard some time. The driving rain and gunfire drowned out most of what passed between Cortez and Shepard, but he thought he heard the shuttle pilot suggest a deep sea diving mech.

"Well if that's what we have to do, let's get started," Shepard said, determinedly walking away.

Kaidan's nerves were already somewhat fried. The uneasy feeling he had had about this mission came to a head – he felt as if some sort of childish nightmare had come to life – some monster living down in the darkness, and the woman he loved going to face it alone.

He spun around as they finished the last wave of husks.

"Wait a minute, here. Are we seriously considering – " Kaidan began, but he was cut off by Cortez.

"First we'll need to restore power to get that cargo door open," the pilot said.

"How?" Shepard asked.

Neither had acknowledged Kaidan in the least.

"It appears we are," Javik said to Kaidan. All of the Prothean's eyes seemed to search Kaidan's face, Javik's own face displaying what Kaidan read as a mixture of almost pity and a strange underlying amusement.

As Cortez and Shepard discussed their plan to recharge the mech, Kaidan decided to push aside his feelings for the time being. Shepard wouldn't listen to him when her mind was so set on getting in motion.

Recharging the mech was more complicated than they had imagined – a constant of bombardment of Reaper forces, including a number of brutes, made it difficult to run back and forth to the charging station.

Finally the mech was fully charged and Shepard boarded it to help them finish off the remaining Reapers. She stepped over to Cortez, who told her he wanted to run a few diagnostics before she dove.

Kaidan took his chance.

"Shepard, I've got to say…I'm not too crazy about this plan."

"We've come too far to stop now. The way home is through Leviathan," Shepard said stubbornly.

Again, one of the things he loved most about her was one of the things he wished he could change. He knew she would get her way.

Cortez told her the systems were ready and Shepard replied simply, "Let's go."

"But Shepard…" Kaidan said softly, stepping forward.

He had seen her fight so many times – seeing the woman he loved in danger was nothing new. But this was different somehow. Shepard worked best with a team, and facing danger head-on.

Her biotics would do her no good at the bottom of the sea. She was going in defenseless to face an unknown.

She closed her eyes, furrowing her eyebrows.

"I'll be fine," she said, staring directly into Kaidan's eyes.

Though his insides were seething, he nodded once and turned away. She immediately closed the hatch and dropped into the sea, instantly disappearing from sight.

They lost radio contact almost as quickly as they lost sight of her.

"Damn it," Kaidan said to himself.

"I'm sorry," Cortez said, "I care about the Commander, too – but you know she would have gone in even if it meant trying to hold her breath."

"Yeah," was all Kaidan said.

"Reapers!" Javik shouted. The troops had returned in force, so Kaidan attempted to turn his attention in that direction.

Cortez may have been a fantastic shuttle pilot, but he wouldn't be much help in a fight. He and Javik had to hold the fort while Cortez made repairs to the shuttle.

Whenever Kaidan had a break from firing, he found himself glancing at the water. The constant movement of the waves kept getting his hopes up – had he seen her?

At last, after a few hours and just as their ammo supplies were starting to run low, Kaidan heard the gearing up of the mech's engine.

The mech walked out of the sea, and Shepard immediately opened the hatch. Her head was rolled back in the seat and her body seemed limp.

Kaidan watched her unpeel from the mech's seat and crumple on the ground, try to get to her knees, and then fall again.

His heart stopped as two passing brutes took notice of Shepard laying on the deck. She seemed too disoriented and determined to stand up to even notice the danger she was in.

Shepard managed to stagger a few feet, but it was clear that she didn't even know which direction to go. She fell flat again and Kaidan aimed his gun, simultaneously preparing a biotic blast and beginning to stride in her direction.

As the two brutes closed in, something changed. One froze and then turned, slamming itself into the other. Kaidan had no idea what was going on and he didn't care. He took his chance and sprinted to Shepard, slinging his arm under her.

Blood had poured itself from both of her nostrils in great enough amounts that it had run over her lips and down the front of her neck. The rain was beginning to wash it away, but there was fresh blood still flowing.

"Cortez!" shouted Kaidan into his radio, "We need to get out of here now!"

"I don't know what the Commander did, but the pulse is offline. We're good to go," Cortez said, spotting the hobbling pair and landing in front of them.

Kaidan carried Shepard to the open shuttle door, laying her on the floor as gently as possible given the current situation. Javik closed in behind them, clearing their path before jumping in the shuttle himself.

Kaidan barely noticed Javik joining them or the shuttle taking off. He immediately bent over Shepard, feeling for breath. She was breathing.

He put his hand on her neck and felt for a pulse. Her skin was cold beyond belief and slick with a mixture of rain and sweat. He found a pulse and let himself feel an ounce of relief.

She was still unresponsive, however. Had she risen too quickly from the depths?

"Shepard? Can you hear me?" he asked, pulling out his omni-tool to run diagnostics.

As soon as he began, Shepard's body lurched. She began gagging and he rolled her onto her side, where she coughed up a small amount of blood.

She immediately sat up and pushed herself against the wall, trying to use it as leverage to stand up.

"Shepard, take it easy. Are you okay? Sit down," Kaidan said, alarmed.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Hell of a headache," she said, looking at the ground between her knees as she collapsed into a seat. Even now she was trying to hold herself with composure.

"Never do that again," Kaidan said gruffly. They would talk about this more later. He was too glad to have her back right now – he tried to push all the other thoughts out of his mind.

"So what happened down there?" he asked.

"We found it. It's real. And it's a lot more than we ever imagined," she said, eyes still struggling to focus on Kaidan's. Even in her exhausted state, she seemed determined to prove that she had been right.

Kaidan smiled warmly and grabbed the emergency kit from a hatch, wrapping one towel around Shepard as a blanket and giving her the other to dry off her hair and face.

She had scared the hell out of him – but seeing her face when it was over, seeing how even death couldn't shake her resolve, made him again realize that there was not another woman like her in the entire galaxy.


	21. Shore Leave Part I

A/N: Sorry, I know too many author interjections are annoying. I'm sorry if my description of the Citadel DLC is insufficient – I didn't feel like quoting every one of everyone's lines – especially during the action plot. You know this is focused more on the Shenko :P

Kaidan watched helplessly as the bags under Shepard's eyes grew darker, as the blood vessels in her eyes became more and more red, and what little body fat she had seemed to melt away, leaving Shepard just a little bit too thin.

Shepard was hard-pressed to admit that she even felt tired, and Kaidan secretly groaned every time another person asked Shepard to take on their burdens. Shepard was hard-pressed to admit that she even felt tired, and Kaidan secretly groaned every time another person asked Shepard to take on their burdens.

He, like Shepard, wanted to help everyone – every individual life saved or better mattered. He just hated that it all seemed to fall on Shepard's shoulders.

As everything seemed to be coming to a close, the climax drawing nearer, a call came from Admiral Hackett directly to Kaidan.

"Admiral Hackett, sir, I have to say this is a surprise."

"Major, I have to ask you to do a quick assessment for me. You are technically the highest ranking officer aboard the ship, so I feel you can provide a fair assessment. Do you think the Commander is fit enough for this last push?"

Kaidan hesitated.

"May I speak candidly, sir?" he asked.

"Feel free," Hackett said.

"She could do it. She's itching to do it right now. But it's taking its toll on her. She's exhausted."

"That's as I expected. We all are, but I think Shepard and her crew have done more for this war than anyone that possible. I need everyone in top shape before things get to the point of no return, which I feel is coming soon."

"I get that feeling too, sir, but I can't pinpoint exactly why," Kaidan said.

"I'll arrange for the Normandy to be tuned up on the Citadel. Make sure everyone takes the opportunity to get a minute of rest."

"Aye aye, sir," Kaidan said.

"Hackett out," he said, and his hologram disappeared.

The next day, a ship-wide message went out. The message subject was Priority: Shore Leave. It was exactly as he said. Shepard seemed slightly flustered at the idea of taking a break at a time like this, but she had to agree that the Normandy was at least due for an inspection.

Kaidan watched her, amused. He was going to have to work to get her to relax, but he was pretty sure he would manage.

They left the Normandy and most of the crew went their separate ways. Kaidan had some catching up to do on the Citadel, so he left Shepard as she headed to Anderson's apartment, saying goodbye with a swift kiss on the cheek, promising to catch up with her later.

Barely a few hours later, Kaidan was strolling through some shops when he heard a series of giant crashes and gunshots.

Somehow, just somehow, he knew that this had to do with Shepard. He raced to pick up his armor, gun, and radio where he had stored it. Even though Shepard was used to tough situations, he didn't want her to be alone in whatever mess she had managed to find.

He sprinted toward the area from which he had heard the ruckus, and happened to run into Joker limping away from the scene.

Joker filled him on what had happened, repeatedly adding that Shepard had used him as bait. Apparently Shepard and Joker had both received false messages inviting the other to lunch, at which they were interrupted first by a Staff Analyst named Brooks claiming that someone was trying to steal Shepard's identity, and then by a group of mercenaries. And then Shepard, in fine style, had fallen through the fish tank floor to the Wards below.

As Kaidan ran down what seemed to be an infinite number of stairs, hefinally placed the radio in his ear he called, "Shepard, can you hear me? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said, "but I need a little backup."

She sounded pretty amused. Kaidan rolled his eyes.

"It's good to hear your voice. Joker told me what happened. I'm on foot, but not far."

A British female voice cut through the radio, sounding annoyed.

"Excuse me, who is this? You're on an unsecured channel and you're putting Commander Shepard in danger."

"I'm what?" Kaidan asked in disbelief, "Who is this?"

Shepard cut in again, telling him that it was Staff Analyst Brooks and instructing everyone to "play nice."

Kaidan again rolled his eyes, weaving his way toward the sky car lot where he was supposed to rendezvous with Shepard.

About a minute later an alarm sounded, followed by more gunshots.

"Shepard, what are you doing? I heard that from here!" he shouted.

"I've got it all under control," Shepard said sarcastically.

Garrus came over the radio, scolding Shepard, matching her sarcasm. Kaidan was again reminded how much he liked the Turian.

As Kaidan finally reached the sky car lot he was met by a couple of the mercenaries. They were clad in all grey, an armor completely unfamiliar to him. He didn't even need to draw his weapon – he simply charged up a strong enough biotic blast and took care of them with ease.

Just as they crashed to the ground a slightly frazzled looking Shepard walked through the door, a strange pistol at the ready.

"Seems like you're having a bad day, Shepard," he said, striding confidently toward her.

"You could say that," she said.

Kaidan chuckled throatily.

They both seemed highly amused with the situation. After Reapers and thresher maws and god knows what else these mercenaries seemed like amateurs.

"Landing pad's over there," he said, gesturing backwards with his thumb, "but it's behind a locked gate."

"Let's look for a control panel," Shepard said, striding past him.

As she walked he noticed just how tight the dress she was wearing was – and the convenient rips that her fight had wrought on the outfit.

It was so rare that he got to see her in a dress, and he watched a bead of sweat roll down her back.

He gulped, looking her up and down. The dress had ridden slightly higher than usual from the run, revealing a fair amount of her creamy, powerful thighs.

"Nice outfit," he said slowly, deciding to share his appreciation with Shepard.

She looked at him, slightly exasperated. He knew she was also slightly embarrassed because she had never really accepted her own beauty. She wasn't lacking for self esteem, she just didn't have to try and didn't particularly care.

Shepard looked at him, deadpan.

"Control panel," he said, "Ah, right…"

He couldn't help teasing Shepard about falling through a fish tank, especially knowing how many poor fish had died under her poor caretaking on the Normandy. Only her beloved hamster seemed resilient enough to survive, but she also seemed far more invested in it than she ever had her fish.

As they encountered more mercenaries unexpectedly, Wrex suddenly flung himself out of a window and on to their shuttle, clearing them out.

He joined them to keep the mercenaries at bay as they awaited the shuttle and afterward joined them at Anderson's apartment (which somehow seemed to have ended up in Shepard's possession).

After their brief discussion of what had just happened, Shepard sprang over to him.

"Nice to see you in action in the car lot. It was uh, pretty hot," Shepard said playfully.

"Why thank you," Kaidan said.

"What would I do without you?" she asked, sighing exaggeratedly.

"You'll never find out," he said, sounding amused, but they both knew how sincerely he meant it.

The plan then developed into infiltrating a fundraising event at a casino. It shouldn't be too difficult – the only two human Spectres could surely be expected to attend such an event every now and then, even if their pay wasn't exactly equal to most of the attendees.

Kaidan again relished the idea of seeing Shepard decked out, and had probably too much fun watching her prepare.

Liara and Tali helped her apply makeup, but all three seemed a little lost. Liara, as an Asari who had spent more of her time buried in books and dig sites than out on the town, and Tali, who obviously had no need for makeup under her mask, were little help.

Kaidan and James watched from a corner of the room, feeding off of each other's comments.

"Ugh, is this really necessary?" Shepard asked, disgusted, "I know we have to dress up, but I don't think anyone's going to notice how much eyeliner I'm wearing."

Liara looked pointedly in Kaidan's direction.

"I think there are some who would relish in seeing the famous Commander Shepard dressed up," the Asari said.

"I think there might be even more who might relish in seeing the famous Commander Shepard undressed," James said, arms crossed. He glanced at Kaidan, hoping to have riled him.

"Well, I think those people, whoever they might be, will just have to keep wishing," Kaidan said.

"So Kaidan, are you up next?" James asked, "I think you'd look pretty fabulous with some mascara. Maybe some nice lipstick. What's your shade? Think they make a Biotic Blush?"

"I'm much more of an eyeshadow man myself," Kaidan retorted, "I'm not sure there's enough makeup around here to cover up that neck tattoo."

"You two take this outside," Tali said, "You're banished from this room."

Kaidan and James shrugged and stepped outside, heading down to crack open a couple beers from the refrigerator.

About twenty minutes later they heard footsteps on the stairs and Shepard came strolling down. Even though she was pouting and seemed slightly unsteady in the high heels she was wearing, Kaidan unwillingly drew in a little breath, which made James chuckle under his breath.

Kaidan felt like a high schooler picking his date up for the prom. They had managed to put Shepard's hair up in a loose, elegant bun at the back of her head, leaving a few strands of her blond hair to hang loose. The makeup highlighted her eyes especially well, drawing out their already vibrant green.

She had obviously had to change in a different dress from earlier, the last one being fairly shredded. The new dress hugged Shepard's curves even more flatteringly, and revealed a surprising amount of cleavage. The scarlet dress had a halter top and a very low back, ending just above lowest part of her back.

His favorite thing, however, was that under it all she still looked like Shepard. When she drew nearer he was amused to see how small she looked even with the tall heels. He still had to look down to meet her eyes.

"Damn, Commander," James said, beating him to the punch, "I gotta say, you fill that out even better than a uniform. Kaidan better watch his back if he's taking you out in public tonight. Though I gotta say, if this is really an issue of someone trying to steal your identity, they might not believe you're the real Commander Shepard."

"Well, at least I know if we run into trouble I can take someone out with these heels," she said, rolling her eyes.

They headed out to the casino and Shepard was even more dismayed to see that they had to stroll down a velvet rope-lined carpet to enter.

"This is ridiculous," she muttered, linking arms with Kaidan. Brooks strolled beside them, looking equally uncomfortable, but without an arm to lean on.

Kaidan smiled and waved at people. He had always been far more camera friendly than her. What she didn't know was that Kaidan wanted as much photographic proof of Shepard dressed up as possible, and as many photos of them together as possible. They had never had much of a chance to take any.

"You're looking radiant, Commander," he said as he waved.

"As in radiant, or as in causing invisible damage?" she asked, her nerves slightly unhinging her sense of humor.

"Why can't it be both? Ow, my heart," Kaidan said, looking sideways at Shepard.

Brooks chattered nervously beside them. Kaidan wasn't sure what to make of the Staff Analyst yet, but he was slightly overwhelmed by her frantic long binges of words.

"Okay, Kaidan, time to meet the riffraff," Shepard said, sighing as they stepped inside.

They talked to various socialites, Shepard doing a poor job of hiding her distaste for these people who were so oblivious to the ongoing war.

Finally Kaidan decided to rescue her from their company, leaning and whispering in her ear, "Follow me."

She jumped at the opportunity but began to backpedal as soon as she saw where he was leading her. He grabbed her hand and pulled her ever so slightly.

"No," she said, "Not the dance floor. You know what happens."

"Come on, Shepard. People are starting to stare. You have to try to fit in."

"This…this is not the way to do that," she said, but she acquiesced.

The dance floor wasn't too crowded, but the electronic music was blaring.

"I'll get you back for this," she told him as she began awkwardly moving her arms and swaying side to side.

"Here, will it make you feel better if I 'do the Shepard' too?" he asked, mimicking her moves.

"Do the Shepard? Is that a thing? Do people really say that?" she demanded, still attempting to dance.

Kaidan laughed heartily, "I'll spare your feelings."

Finally they were instructed to disarm cameras and deactivate alarms, a job that relied more on Kaidan's ability to distract guards than on Shepard's ability to mingle.

Kaidan seemed to be having too much fun doing so. Shepard heard him claiming sheepishly that he had used biotics on the roulette table, that he was from the Varren protection league, pretending to recognize an old school friend with a ridiculous nickname, and even pretending to cry at one point.

Shepard was disgusted to find that the man they had been trying to find was dead. What the hell was going on? They downloaded what data they could from his computer and returned once again to the apartment to figure out where to go next.

Their examination of the data was disrupted by Glyph, who claimed that Shepard's Spectre access codes were being used at that very moment in the Citadel Archives.

The large group headed to the Archives, where they split into three teams, Glyph leading them deeper into the Archives and toward the apparent identity thief. Kaidan and Wrex stayed at her side.

After fighting the initial wave of mercenaries, a familiar voice rang out from ahead of them.

Kaidan was puzzled. Shepard had just been beside him. Sure enough, there she remained. He glanced up and had to keep himself from jumping back.

Another Shepard, this one's face contorted in rage, strolled in.

"What the hell are you?" demanded Shepard.

"A clone – Cerberus created me in case their little project didn't come through."

"If you're really me, then we're on the same team," Shepard said.

"We're not even in the same league," spat the clone.

"Did the Illusive Man send you?" Shepard asked.

"No, he abandoned me when he had what he wanted – you."

"So what's your point in trying to kill us?" Kaidan demanded.

"Because I don't have her memories. I'd never fool my supposed friends, the ones who abandoned their duty to join the cult of Shepard, like you, Major Alenko. I would have picked the other one on Virmire. Ashley something."

"You're just a pale imitation of the real thing!" Kaidan shouted, taking a step closer to his Shepard.

"What's wrong, Major? Am I not spreading my legs fast enough for you?" the clone scoffed.

He felt a rage deep inside of him and heard Wrex make a noise beside him. Somehow Shepard seemed the most unphased by this.

"I am the real thing. Perfected. Want to find out how much, Major?" she asked, stepped toward him, rolling her hips.

Apparently this whole time Shepard had been building up a biotic charge, because as the clone drew closer Shepard suddenly shot forward, then grabbed the clone's shoulders and rode her down onto the ground, drawing up biotic energy in her arm as she raised it for a punch.

However, it seemed her clone had also received Shepard's advanced biotic implant, because she blasted Shepard, Wrex, and Kaidan back with a biotic wave, and by the time they were on their feet again she had disappeared.

Garrus, James, Javik, and Liara all teased Shepard as they were in pursuit, asking which one was the evil twin and wondering which one was the 'other' Shepard.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Shepard sang into the radio.

"So Shepard…" Kaidan began, unable to resist, "if there are two of you…"

"Do not even go there," she said, stopping him with a fierce glare.

As they reached the end of the archives and boarded a platform, a force field appeared around them, trapping them in. Where the hell were the other two teams?

"Cortez! Brooks! Is anyone on this frequency?" Shepard asked into the radio.

The clone strolled in, "The short answer is: they're not."

She crossed her arms, and suddenly Brooks appeared, hair released from its tight ponytail.

"Brooks!" Shepard shouted, "Help us out of here."

"Oh but Shepard," she said, "I don't work for the Alliance."

She strolled up to Shepard's clone and comfortably placed an arm on her shoulder.

The clone and Brooks then revealed their nefarious plan to assume Shepard's life and trap her and her friends in the vaults of the Archives.

Shepard didn't care. She was barely listening. All she knew was that none of that was going to happen. And she was going to kill them.

"The minute – the second I get out of here, I'm going to take your head and mount it in the Normandy's CIC," Shepard hissed at the clone, then turned to Brooks, "Then, I'm going to mount her head next to yours. Then, I'm going to take both your heads and space them out the airlock."

"Count me in!" Kaidan said behind her.

"Good luck with that," the clone said, "I should go."

As she turned to leave, the platform they were on began to move, and Shepard realized what it really was – a storage pod for the Archives. She let out a short "ha" under her breath. If this was her clone's ultimate evil plan, she had overlooked one vital detail.

Shepard sat on the ground and leaned back as the pod followed its tracks. Wrex followed suit but Kaidan began to pace.

Wrex's mind was at ease. If Shepard wasn't worrying, neither would he.

"Refresh my memory," Wrex said lightheartedly, "Didn't we used to win these things? Back in the old days."

Shepard's eyebrows finally furrowed.

"She said, 'I should go.' Do I sound like that?" Shepard asked.

Wrex nodded a large nod, "As long as I've known you, yeah."

Kaidan turned around to look at them incredulously. Neither one looked in his direction and the way they were sitting reminded him of children at recess.

"And now maybe let's turn our attention to the impregnable vault that we've just been sealed in forever," Kaidan suggested.

"No, no," Shepard said, "I'm more confident than she is, more in control. With me it's more like, 'That's all for now.'"

"Spoken like a true Krogan," Wrex said and threw his head back in laughter, "Show 'em who's boss."

"I'm gonna guess we've got an hour of air in here, tops," Kaidan said, glancing around the dimensions of the chamber. He imagined that sharing an airspace with a Krogan might reduce that time greatly…

"Or sometimes, 'I'll talk to you later,' even though, you know what, I never do, but…leave 'em wantin' more. I should – " Shepard was babbling.

Kaidan bent down in front of her, putting his hands on her knees and looking into her face. Had this been the straw that finally broke the camel's back? Had Shepard lost it?

"Shepard, hey, why aren't you more worried about this?" he asked slowly.

"Hmm? Oh. Glyph, you still out there?" she said into her omni-tool.

"Yes, Commander," came the robotic reply.

"Unlock this damn thing and go find the others. No one steals my ship. Not even me," Shepard said, sounding more like herself.

It didn't take long for Glyph to release Shepard and the others. For how grating the little bot could be, it was remarkably efficient. The group found themselves in another race to stop Shepard's clone from making off with the Normandy. Kaidan and EDI accompanied Shepard as Joker piloted them to the docking bay.

Kaidan shifted slightly uncomfortably as he sat in the back seat, remarkably close to the body which had come closer to killing him than anything in his life.

The conscious part of his brain knew that the body was under new ownership – what had tried to kill him was gone. He had even very quickly come to like EDI. Nevertheless, his unconscious had his adrenaline running – the fact that EDI was behaving strangely as the clone fiddled with the Normandy didn't help.

The trio raced aboard the Normandy as Joker went back to get the others, finally encountering both the clone and Brooks in the cargo bay. Considering that the clone was supposedly a match for Shepard in power, the battle was surprisingly short. Shepard finally tackled the clone, sending the both rolling toward the open bay door.

Kaidan's heart leapt again and he sprinted after. Both were clinging to the edge, struggling to climb back aboard.

"Look at you! What makes you so damn special? Why you and not me?" growled the clone.

"Shepard!" Kaidan cried, working with EDI to reel her back in, "We've got you."

He put his arm around Shepard's waist.

"You were wondering what I had that you didn't?" Shepard asked the clone, "Let me help you up."

"What's the point?" the clone growled, then let herself slide the rest of the distance off the door – falling quickly to the city below.

Kaidan felt sick to his stomach. He ran his hand up Shepard's side, reassuring himself that she was there beside him. Even though he know it wasn't really Shepard that had just died, seeing her falling was like living out some of his worst nightmares.

Shepard seemed to be taking it better than he was, and he was unsurprised. He leaned in and pressed his lips against her forehead, tasting the salt of her sweat. His stubble bristled against her skin.

"I'm so glad that's over," Shepard sighed, "and the sad thing is I don't think that's even the strangest thing I've done in my life."

Brooks was quickly taken into custody, along with the ship's remaining mercenary. Finally, the real shore leave was about to begin.


End file.
